32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Me or You?

I am extremely anal.  Picky.  Concise.  Clear.  If you tell me you will do “A” but you fail to do “A” then I get upset.  Upset because I have enough sense to know I should not say I will do something and not deliver.  Yes, things happen but usually when these situations have occured….”things” have not happened.  Just people who failed to do what they said so they ask me to cut them some slack.  Bend over backwards.  Change my own standards so they can fit in somehow.  And I do it.  I do it because people call me anal, claim I want perfection, think I am not willing to compromise, or am a tad bit unrealistic in my expectations of others.  My argument is this: my expectation of you is exactly what you tell me.  I do not expect anything less or more than what you say from your own mouth.  But, somehow, I am to blame for the inability of some people to realize that they cannot live up to their own expectations of them selves.

I am typing all this because I am tired of apologizing for who I am.  “Pick your battles sweety”.  “Relationships are about compromise”.  “No one is perfect darling”.  I know all this but how can I change me?  I am not going to be less anal.  I will calm it down long enough to drain the life out of me and long enough to become less irritating but who a person truly is eventually resurfaces which is why women are always warned never to change a man.  Never!  Do not even think you can change a man because it’s impossible.  Women are told this.  But if a man thinks I am too anal I am told from both sides to change.  Why?  If he is not defective but excusable then why am I not shown the same treatment?  Someone told me they would call me later.  I asked, “what do you mean by later?”  There is laughter.  I’m not laughing.  I’m seriously waiting for an answer.  They say, “later in the day”.  I say, “now we see you have mastered the art of ambiguity which is excellent but can you answer my question in a way that actually answers it instead of simply replying to it?”  Face shows confusion.  I exhale loudly and say, “I didn’t think you had an answer and you obviously think I am undeserving of one so do me a favor and don’t bother calling at all.” 

This is pure bullshyt.  I accept who I am and I know that if I compromise, give, & bend over backwards when it comes to my annoying habit then I will lose who I am.  Who I am is very important to me.  I shut up, apologize, get things back on the track of happiness but I’m not happy inside…..I’m just going along for the ride because some of my friends know I’m too anal and any guy who can handle me deserves an award but I know I am anal for a reason and any guy who needs me to lower my standards and swallow who I am is beneath me.  A good guy.  A great guy.  But I felt myself strangling myself to death last night.  A friend of mine was complaining about his girlfriend because she has this annoying habit of complaining about folks loudly and in an extremely critical way.  I just shrugged my shoulders and said, “well, that’s who she is.  It irritates the hell outta me so I know I can only take small doses of her.  What did she say when you brought it to her attention?”  He replied, “she said I have to deal with it or I can leave.”  I was shocked at the blunt honesty thinking this girl was crazy and kinda rude to not even think of compromising.  Now, months later, I kinda understand her a little bit. 

There are some things that are just apart of who that person is.  Snoring.  Gossip.  Anal.  Opinionated.  Aggressive.  Dominant.  Spoiled.  Ghetto.  Judgemental.  Etc.  You have to decide what you can and can not deal with and not blame that person for refusing to compromise who they are but instead applauding them for staying true to who they are instead of hiding it for it to resurface later sometime after the honeymoon.  I have a lot of small annoying things I do but the main one has been my refusal to accept ambiguous bullshyt (I did from this guy from day one and should have ended the conversation when he first opened his mouth because he was full of shyt the whole way through and still is.).  When I don’t accept it, I am criticized left and right.  My second thing is holding someone to what they say.  Don’t say it if you don’t plan on doing it…..it’s quite simple but, again, I’m a bitch because I’m seen as being too anal & psycho.  Psycho.  My favorite word.  I think it’s because I’ve been lied to majority of my life & people are out to convince me that I’m crazy (lol) but I guess it’s my “flaw” that I can’t change even if I wanted to.  So, my point is STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME! You knew who I was from day one so deal with it or leave!! I accept your sorry ass & your flaws day after freakin day but you can’t accept the fact that I need to know what the hell you mean when you say “later” or I honestly expected you to do what you said you’d do?  I am difficult to deal with and a lot of guys say I’m too much work but I am not changing.  I’m not.  “Easy” has never been a word used to describe me.


March 12, 2010 - Posted by | Me | , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. I agree that people shouldn’t try to change who they are or hide it to keep a relationship going. It’s also important for the person to bring it to your attention, and sometimes for other people. It may be something you need to change or can change. I can’t speak to your particular “flaws,” but there have been a few of my quirks that, when brought to my attention, I saw I did need to change, not to satisfy someone else or be dishonest to who I was, but because they needed to change so that I could be true to a higher self, the self I would be if I wasn’t so busy being concerned with other people’s whatever, or talking so darn much, or being so quick to wipe my hands of things when they don’t go my way. Can’t say I’ve conquered all of these things. These are actual flaws, though, LOL. I guess I am still getting to the business of crafting a self I want to be true to in a few areas, with constant room for improvement, but if you have no desire to change something, I say don’t bother. Whether people like it or not, as Mary J. Blige said “Take me as I am or have nothing at all.”

    Comment by 2blu2btru | March 13, 2010

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