32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Here Now Gone Tomorrow

There is always something I’m working on so right now that is getting my house in order in case I die sooner rather than later.  My goal lately has been to pay off my debts, raise my FICO score, establish good credit history, & buy a house one day.  Yeah, that has taken a slight shift because I had great goals outlined but I missed something vitally important…my spiritual house needs a good dusting & what if I die while I’m paying things off? I am in search for an estate planning attorney hoping the attorney who did my divorce is specialized in that area but I highly doubt it.  My first goal before I pay another creditor is to establish a trust so I can secure my assets (hardly any) & secure my finances for my kids’ sake.  This will take some time but I will hit the ground running tomorrow certain my time could come at any moment.  My main concern is making sure my kids get a hefty check I’m to inherit in the year 2036 (I’ll be 56 if I see that day).  My current beneficiaries were set in 2006 which includes my ex-husband who is set to receive 1/3 of the money which is waaaaay too much for him to even look at so I think I will change my beneficiaries to only include my kids until my trust is set up and then I will make the necessary changes.  Gotta pick the best of the worst case scenarios here but I am 100% sure I cannot rely on anyone’s financial know-how in my family. 

After that is taken care of I must then select someone to care for my kids in my absence.  Obviously, care will go to their dad but I would not want him to have control over any money I leave them because a) Best Buy will be a direct benefactor b) his brain cannot comprehend longterm planning so everything will be a “live in the moment” splurge & c) he holds the record for the largest amount of money blown on crap in the shortest amount of time which will live my kids with nothing and leave him asking for hand outs!!  It’s sad to think I will have to appoint someone in control of the money but it is what it is.  If my ex and I die before the kids are 18?  Well, no one in my family is stable enough to care for them and that is pretty sad.  I’d want them to remain within my family but I’m just not sure how that’ll work so I’m praying I live a long life….for their sake at least.  After these decisions are finalized and all legal documents (3 in total) are complete, then I can start on my debt & doing what I need to do to get my house in order.  My spiritual house?  I have not finished Exodus.  Why?  Because I got upset at God or at least for what was written about how God purposefully hardened Pharoah’s heart so he would not listen.  Why?  To boast and show yourself mighty & strong?  To purposefully harm people and blame it on Pharoah’s ignorance & arrogance?  If it would have been easy to let Pharoah release God’s people then why doesn’t He?  Why does it mention at least twice that God hardened his heart so he would not listen?  Read literally, this makes no sense and my brain refused to comprehend it.  Along with this, I have found I think way too much.  I was talking to a friend of mine who is a Church of Christ believer.  She says any non-Church of Christ folks must be “converted” and she was when she realized all the lies even saying how the Bible makes it plain.  I told her I don’t believe wholeheartedly in everything written in the Bible.  She gasped on the phone and asked if it is because of the many translations over the centuries.  Of course that has something to do with it.  She suggested I read a Greek version with the help of a Greek dictionary.  She then talked about how she would argue with folks over religion before she uncovered the “lies”.

I listened to all this and grew tired realizing that some things do not require additional knowledge.  There was a time, and that time still exists, when I felt things that I couldn’t explain.  Some call it intuition.  I don’t care what label it carries but I was more at ease with my beliefs than I am now.  Knowledge is power in some areas but in this one knowledge is crippling.  Each stone I overturn leads to another one and then another one until I’ve turned over every single rock and there are no more answers for my questions which will lead me to disbelief and uncertainty in what I’m dying for and what I proclaim to have faith in.  I’m not saying it’s wrong to question because anything that stifles your inquisitive instincts is reason to be alarmed.  What I am saying is that I know when it’s becoming too much and I know when there’s no combination of answers that will quiet my curiosity.  Of course I’d like to know more and that will never change but the only thing that can’t quantify an explanation is that statement heard on a petal of air that no one else hears, that tugging that jars me that no else feels, or that rebuke that leaves me somber when no one else knows I did wrong.  That’s something a book can’t explain and that is something I need to hold onto.

Other minor updates: Malcolm said I kissed him back so he shouldn’t be at fault for all the blame.  I told him it wasn’t the kiss but his hands roaming.  Then he said I should have stopped him.  I replied that I did when his hand grazed my crotch.  He said “ok”.  I assume that means case closed.  A penis seems to always give you room for error while a vagina gives reason to be lynched with blame.  Work is going well.  I am weighing another career opportunity but, like all things I’ve ever weighed, it may be a faint memory by next week.  Haven’t done my genealogy in weeks.  Haven’t ran in weeks.  Been reading investments books like I’m dehydrated for knowledge.  Have been kinda floating along with most things giving some little thought and playing others by ear.  Right now, and for the longest time so far, I have ran when I felt restricted & screamed when I felt threatened…..figuratively speaking.  So, I don’t do anything I used to do.  I find it hard to explain why other than “I don’t want to” although I’m pretty sure the people asking would prefer a more concrete answer.  In the meantime, I shall continue getting my house together & preserving what I have accomplished thus far so if I shall die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take (and my revocable living trust to carry out my wishes in my absence). Amen.


February 21, 2010 - Posted by | Life | , , , , , , ,


  1. I think the reason that God hardened pharaoh’s heart was to show the people of Israel that He and He alone was able to deliver them and was their Lord, King, and Savior. After spending over 400 years in oppression, like any slaves, many probably formed an allegiance, or a Stockholm syndrome bond and love, to their lives under the Pharaoh and his gods. God needed to show the Israelites He was their one and only God and thus instill in them a heart for him. As you continue to read, you see it didn’t really work, though. As soon as they got over the fact they were free, they were complaining and pining to go back, not liking the manna that fell from the sky for them to eat, not waiting on God to tell them, rather asking Aaron to create them representations of a God that they would praise for bringing them out of Egypt. In consequence, very few of the original Hebrews that left Egypt actually crossed into Canaan…and hundred of years later they continued to treat God like a choice and were enslaved again…and again.

    I think, and this is only my opinion, if one looks hard enough and places themselves in different perspectives in the text, there is never any purposelessness or randomness in God’s plan or His word, nor true contradiction. It’s hard for rational people sometimes to relinquish their point of view in their rationalizations of what they read or hear instaed of seeing. I get bull headed that way A LOT, but mostly because I don’t like the idea that I’m reading or hearing, right or not.

    Your other Church of Christ friend sounds like she is at least sincere and passionate about her faith, but doesn’t know how yet to fully develop a picture of her faith for others to see quite yet. The Bible being the common denominator she was expecting you to be able to agree upon, she kinda lost her starting position, lol, so I completely understand. I read a book she may be interested in, called Overcoming Objections by a Church of Christ brother (I will have to uncover my copy to find the author).I would love to meet her.

    All I can say is to stay open and keep reading (and get a good commentary/keyword study bible with greek/hebrew direct translations in the back…they have them at the library if you don’t want to invest in one just yet (mine was about $100…my b-day present to myself in 2007, lol)

    Comment by 2blu2btru | February 22, 2010

  2. Oh, and good luck with your living revocable trust. They seem really straightforward…my aunt and uncle did theirs last year and sat my two cousins and I down to let us know the details. You may want to get a safe or safe deposit box at the bank for it, from what they told me their lawyer instructed them to do, even though the lawyer has one on file in his offices. And to sign in blue people can’t photocopy it onto a false copy, lol

    Comment by 2blu2btru | February 22, 2010

  3. “I think, and this is only my opinion, if one looks hard enough and places themselves in different perspectives in the text, there is never any purposelessness or randomness in God’s plan or His word, nor true contradiction.”

    That statement right there made more sense than yrs of anything I heard in church. I get tired of someone’s explanation and/or someone wanting to direct my thinking for me. My Zeta mom is the Church of Christ chica lol she debates me often trying to get me to see her point of view but she has a pretty awful way of expressing herself. Not a single thing I have agreed with her on & she has no clue how to support her argument. Most of what I truly feel (Holy Spirit related) I am told is a result of emotional instability so of course I rebuke her in the name of whatever name I can think of at the time because it is a direct criticism of my own cognitive understanding as if I am a child incapable of knowing what is and is not real. Besides that, as much as I love her, she is quite critical of others often times judgmental & arrogant (she honestly reminds me of you) in her attempt to “convert” me which causes me to laugh because if you can’t convert a fellow Christian believer to your group’s beliefs then how can you convert someone who has no common ground with you?

    I have heard in much detail the stories that unfold after the Exodus but I guess I don’t understand why proving a point to His people was more important than the people who died (namely 1st born sons) whether they worshipped false gods or not. If that is the case, then it goes back to a post I’d written where Pastor A said babies die because of the sins of their parents….isn’t that unfair? I might be too sympathic or I might be missing the mark because, last time I checked, flooding the earth resulted in people from the same linage of Moses (His main man) so why kill them if there was no way they too fell outta the sky onto God’s earth that He populated? My mind is having a hard time wrapping itself around why killing them over here is justified as long as it saves them over there.

    RLT – thanks I didn’t think about a box at a bank although I might just buy a safe and keep it at home as well as at the attorney’s office. Blue ink lol gotcha!

    Comment by 32B | February 22, 2010

  4. That’s why we are so happy that the New Testament came along–we weren’t God’s chosen people, so we were the ones not being saved, although there are exceptions (like Ruth). In the Old Testament, as it is today, sin can only be forgiven through the shedding of blood. Jesus’ blood saves us now and not our own or those of bulls, goats, etc. I disagree with this Pastor A on the basis that we are now under the New Testament, and God never killed anyone’s kids for their kids who were His chosen people. They say the sins of the father can be to the fourth generation, but this is more a statement of personalities and teaching in the rearing of children, who tend to repeat behavior they witness, rather than an actual curse being upon them. The laws in the Old Testament ARE harsh, the punishments and judgments ARE severe, but in order to satisfy His sense of justice and judgement, things had to be done in a certain way so we could be holy. I can’t say that I always thought it was “fair” for the Canaanites, Amelkites, Amorites, Perizzites, and Egyptians who were not chosen by God, but I’m glad it’s not me and will reserve questions for if I get to Heaven to ask God. I’m sure there are a dozen preachers/pastors/elders/etc. who can give you an answer, and when our Bible study gets there, I will let you know the suggestions made 🙂

    LOL that your Zeta Mom reminds you of me. I haven’t been accused of being arrogant before, overly critical, yes. I might even agree with that, but not arrogant. arrogant–exaggerating or disposed to exaggerate one’s own worth or importance often by an overbearing manner. But everyone is entitled to an opinion, which is what makes life interesting! You should give her my email.

    Comment by 2blu2btru | February 22, 2010

  5. Yeah I honestly prefer the Old Testament because I tend to like strict disicipline and lines clearly drawn instead of the blurry mess we have nowadays where a line is based on whose interpretation you follow.

    Ruth? What about Ruth?

    No, I meant she is arrogant lol every bit of Zetalicious! I dnt have your email but I’ll DM you her email.

    Comment by 32B | February 22, 2010

  6. Ruth was an exception because she was not an Israelite, but she was not only redeemed but is also in the lineage of Christ. She was a Moabitess. The Moabites worshiped idol gods and were people the Israelites were told specifically not to mix with.

    The only thing wrong with the clear lines of the Old Testament, is no matter how great you lived, you always crossed one…it’s impossible to live a perfect life. Sometimes I do wish there were some more just do this things in the New Testament, but I struggle with the few we get, like do not lie, love your neighbor as yourself, etc.!

    Comment by 2blu2btru | February 22, 2010

  7. I have a laundry list of struggles so I completely understand.

    Comment by 32B | February 23, 2010

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