32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Let’s Talk for a minute…

My 4 yr old has eyes that sparkle like gems when he smiles.  Sometimes I think my own eyes are playing tricks on me but I swear when he’s really excited or giddy, he laughs this angelic sound and this eyes turn into a brilliant spectrum of white lights.  I can see happiness in his eyes and it makes me smile.  His smile is adorable.  His eyes squint really small reminiscent of his dad’s Cherokee blood. He melts my heart instantly.  I always wonder how he could be so cute.  My oldest has out grown his child-like cute phase and has now turned into an inquisitive annoyance that catches me off guard when I don’t answer his question literally or if I answer it in riddle form which only sets up another round of questions and I want to scream.  Not as annoying as I’d like to think but quite impressive because the boy can dissect through any and every thing.  He has big dark eyes which are alluringly sinister only because he hides behind this innocent look and people actually fall for it.  But not I!  I invented that look….who do you think he gets it from??

Then I wonder about the future, what will happen to me, what will happen to them, and what will happen to this world around me and I wish for a moment that I’d never had kids at all.  No one to make me feel the kind of pain that only a parent would feel.  When I added the tag widget to the left side of this blog, I had no idea I write about God so much.  I don’t question God but I do wonder why we are here just to die and suffer great pain at seeing our loved ones go.  It only dulls the pain a tad bit knowing I might see them again but who’s to say that’s true?  Faith only calms me for so long before I want someone from the other side to let me know if what I think awaits me is fact or fiction.  It’s Russian Roulette with my soul.  What if I make the wrong decision?  I remember that story in the Bible where a man died but he didn’t listen to all the prophets or whomever had come to warn him to live right and confess God as his Lord (I’m paraphrasing like I’ve never paraphrased).  When he died, he asked if he could go back and warn his loved ones but his request was denied because they should have their own chance to make their own decision as he had.  To heed the warnings or ignore them.  If I had known what I know now, I would not have reproduced & brought offspring into this world of mass confusion where no one knows anything but everyone swears they know everything. 

I whine about how unfair life is sometimes (tried to not end that sentence with a preposition which I do often).  Not about material things because I don’t really care too much about that stuff.  I complain about folks who find happiness by way of a intimate relationship with someone of the opposite (or same if that’s your preference) sex.  I thought I’d done everything as right as I could.  No, I didn’t wait til I was married to have sex but I did marry the first guy I had sex with.  Does that count for something?  Now, girls have sex tapes, sleep with football teams, and get trifling nicknames and here I am wondering what I’m doing wrong.  The world will lead me to believe I am too much on the straight and narrow so that’s my problem but, then again, I wouldn’t go the opposite way if given the choice because it’s not really me either.  I have no friends here.  I know a lot of people but not a single one I actually like.  Everyone is younger (my sisters), older (translation: boring), usually married (they bring their husbands everywhere), or too immature to enjoy the things I do.  Then I sit and wonder what it’s all for which leads to me thinking way too much so I put on my music to calm my brain down and I’m back to normal again.  Sometimes life can be boring.  I don’t want to work all the time.  I don’t want to sit in church all day.  I don’t want to sit in the house all week.  I don’t want to spend my free time with folks I can’t stand.  I don’t want to run myself to death (or to anorexia).  I don’t want to think about everything there is to think about.  I don’t want to so I wonder what is there left to do.  After all I’ve done throughout the week with the kids, work, running, and a little church sprinkled here and there…..what else is there left for me to do? (I am sure my grammer sucks!)

My point?  I have none.  I’ll grab something to snack on, register for my big race this year, talk to my bff from 2 states away, watch a movie, and then fall asleep just to do this all over again tomorrow.  One day, I need to find my calling because this existing to say I lived is not working for me anymore.  No, my calling is not in a church….that much I know for sure since no one can seem to keep me there long enough to hold down a position.  Usually when I think about God, unlike other topics in the world, the best way to handle it is to not think too much.  The simplest thought is sufficient.  You ever feel the need to pray?  I was about to do something (can’t say because it’s prb TMI) when I felt the need to pray.  I didn’t pray though.  I knew the insistence to pray was present for a reason but I didn’t.  I just sighed loudly and did not do what I was about to do.  You know what else I hate (well, I didn’t actually say I hate anything but ignore that part), I hate women who don’t act like women.  Maybe it’s because all the women I know are married or single Christian women having sex like it’s bread given away at the Last Supper or virgins who don’t know the uphill battle I face sometimes.  I wanna talk about masturbating but I heard that’s taboo because if I speak it then something blah blah blah but if I don’t speak it then I fake the funk like everyone else.  Maybe I can’t find folks like me because I don’t seem embarrassed about anything, ashamed about anything, or self-conscious about anything.  I am a tad bit too uninhibited to be a good little Christian girl but, for some reason, I am one.  How the hell did that shyt happen?!

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February 8, 2010 - Posted by | Life | , , , , , , , ,

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