32B's Blog

…where I write my words

Tearless Cries

crying_girl-2072

I read that tearless cries are the worse cries there are simply because the sorrow seen in your eyes are not evident through the act of crying.  Crying is a release of built up emotions and grief felt inside but no one knows your inner pain.  No one sees your inner pain.  No one knows you are even in pain because you refuse to let your tears fall.  I admit I have pride when I know I should not.  My pride has prevented me from talking about it.  My pride has prevented me from acknowledging it.  My pride has made me pick up a mask and place it over my face to hide the pain someone might see in the absence of my tears.

Feel my feelings is what they say – it is an important part of hurting.  I feel my feelings only a tad bit because my mind is standing guard trying to make sense to me.  My mind tends to work in overdrive and it simply cannot explain to my heart what happened.  It is illogical and irrational.  It does not  show that ‘B’ is missing from the A+B+C=D.  My heart and mind speak two different languages so I don’t even know why I bother!  Linear … I cannot overcome myself but, at the same time, must I overcome myself to accommodate someone else?  That’s another blog.  So, I feel hurt.  I feel sad.  I feel miserable.  I feel pathetic even admitting this but that means I am on the right path and should continue if I hope to get over it. 

I feel down.  I feel like it is ok for me to talk about it.  I feel ok with chillin at home (esp since it’s below zero outside right now).  I feel I do need time to myself.  I feel like I am getting by ok where I am.  I feel strong in my moments of weakness.  Earlier today, in the midst of feeling ‘ok’ I was sitting here when this state of sadness came over me.  Like a wave, this overwhelming sadness engulfed me and all I could do was sit down and feel it.  Absorb it.  Acknowledge it.  Allow it to come and do it’s thing and let it leave when it is time.  Time.  One thing I have no problem placing on grief because the worst thing you can do is bring emotional baggage into your future.

There is a rainbow after the storm.  I have even seen a rainbow during a storm as it begins to ease up.  I will see my rainbow but, for now, I am ceasing my tearless cries … allowing those close to me to see my hurt … and acknowledging that someone meant this much to me that I need to feel my feelings before I move on to the next stage.  Ruin my mascara.  Smear my lipstick.  Mess up my bangs.  Redden my eyes and cause them to look puffy.  Write some thoughts.  Read my thoughts.  Delete my thoughts later.  Pride?  Yeah, my well-being trumps my pride any day – pride has officially left the building!

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January 16, 2009 - Posted by | Love | , , , , , , , , ,

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