Inner manifestation my a$$

Usually I write about my dreams if they make absolutely no sense to me.  Some suggest they are a manifestation of my inner desires – I agree some of the time.  I had a dream almost 2 weeks ago that my friend’s wife is pregnant.  Does that mean I want her to be pregnant?  I could seriously care less if she is pregnant, barren, a man, etc.  It was just a part of my dream that I shrugged my shoulders at thinking, “oh, that’s cool if true”.  I had a dream on the 4th of August.  I was walking into my own living room when I looked up and saw my dad sitting on my couch.  I stopped dead in my tracks and looked around wondering if I was dreaming or awake.  My dad died almost 6 years ago.  He looked at me and said, “why did you name your son Keiona?”  I said, “huh?!”  He repeated, “why did you name your son Keiona?”  I don’t have a son named Keiona.  Keiona is a girl’s name and I know this because it is Mr. D’s sister’s name.  I think I just stopped answering his question and I woke up.  August 4th I had this dream.  It was later in the day that I realized August 4th was my dad’s birthday.  Did I secretly desire to see my dad on his birthday and have him ask me a ridiculous question for no reason at all?  Yeah, must have been that inner desire of mine that manifested that dream.   Sometimes there is no rational to things that happen.  Other times, it may just be a message.  Then, other time it may be pure entertainment when your subconscious is out on vacation.  I stopped caring a long time ago.  Now, I just dream and see what the hell happens.  If nothing else, it’s fun to see people I haven’t seen in years – only because they died.

Inception

Most people do not like the same movies as I.  I have accepted that and think/say nothing else about it.  I love Leonard DiCaprio as an actor but I did think he may have struggled to find his self a little bit after Titanic.  He didn’t suck as an actor but, to a lot of people, he was Jack Dawson and nothing more.  Since Titanic, I have quite a few of his movies in my Favorite List.  I saw Aviator but did not like it too much.  I saw only parts of Catch Me If You Can.  I saw and liked Blood Diamond.  I saw and loved The Departed.  I saw and loved Revolutionary Road (he reunites with Kate Winslet from Titanic).  I saw and loved Shutter Island.  Now, I saw and loved Inception. 

From the previews, it seems to be a mind-bender very complex in the scope of the movie asking the viewer to think a little too much and too in-depth than the normal movie goer would want to.  I had to see it.  I had no idea what the movie was about other than what I’d heard: dreams and the subconscious.  Planting an idea into someone’s mind by invading their dreams is what happens.  The part that I find troubling was knowing when the dream ended and when it began.  When I dream while asleep, I have no idea it is a dream until I wake up.  Sometimes I have no idea I even dreamed anything until later in the day when I have memories of some things that I know I never actually lived.  I start to remember people, places, things, words, and events that only now did my mind care to remind me of.  There were certain parts of the movie where I wished for a remote so I could pause it and ponder what was just said but you can’t do it – this isn’t your living room.  That being said, I have to go see it again.  Soon.  It asks questions and asks you to consider and wonder and creates an idea about the line drawn between real and false.  You leave the theater with that idea.  Or, at least I did. 

Some will say the movie is stupid.  Others will think it’s doing too much.  A few will love the action screens, the mental twists, the unanswered questions, and the suspense.  I swear, in the last scene everyone started talking staring intently at the screen wondering if Leo’s character was still dreaming or if he had awoken.  I wanted a part II or at least an answer before I left my seat!  Mr. D liked the movie although he says it took a fairly basic concept, stretched it to an extreme, and added some special effects to over exaggerate the simplicity of the initial thought.  I agree to a certain extent but I was not negatively bothered by it.  For me, anything that asks a question or elicits confusion in what you thought you knew with certainty is powerful whether simple or complex.  If it’s simple than imagine how difficult & skilled the person must be to lace it with confusion. 

Afterwards, Mr. D asked if I have ever had a dream where I knew it was a dream and tried to control it rather than have it control me.  Most times, when I dream (and maybe others) you live out the dream participating willingly with each turn of events like a pawn.  Only once was I able to change the course of events to match what I wanted to happen in my own subconscious – I became the hand that moved my own pawn.  This one time happened when I had the dream several times before so I realized I was dreaming immediately because I had this “been here before” feeling.  I remembered all the questions I had when I had woken up from the last repeats of this dream and wondered why the dream remained exactly the same.  The next time, I made actions and moves that answered my questions.  I deviated from the normal course and I lived my own dream.  Sounds weird but it was like I slept with the intentions of having this dream to find out what I hadn’t the last time I dreamt it.  Makes sense?  I guess you gotta experience it to understand it.

Another Baby Dream

Ok, I had another weird dream and since I’ve written about the other ones I thought I would do the same for this one too.  This is meant to be funny because it’s very strange in all aspects.  So, I remember 2 parts of my dream but I can’t remember which one came first.  I woke up the next morning and was talking to one of my sorors when it suddenly hit me that I was pregnant.  Clearly, I’m not pregnant in real life and we were talking about a topic totally opposite pregnancy so for a moment I kinda zoned out from what she was discussing and remember in great detail my dream of yet again being pregnant.  I don’t understand this whole pregnancy thing….it needs to stop. 

I was walking around like normal irritated because the baby kept hitting me from the womb.  With each jab I’d mutter something under my breathe and I grab the side I was hit in thinking this baby is getting on my nerve and need to go to sleep or something.  With one hand I reached down to touch the left side of my belly and I felt the small outline of a hand. (During my actual pregnancies with D.J., whenever one of them would jab me I’d see either the outline of the bottom of their foot or their fist reaching up from my womb.  One time I grabbed his fist through my belly and refused to let go lol it’s amazing how you can see and feel their limbs).  I looked down and saw the outline of a little open palm pressed against the inside of my belly pushing upward and irritating my skin.  I nudged back and the baby retreated it’s hand.  Then I walked over to a nearby mirror and pulled up my entire shirt to see the baby wiggle in my belly but the weird part is that the baby was not below my belly button….most of it’s weight was bulging above my belly button right below my breast with my lower abdomen almost completely flat and I saw the outline of the baby wiggling.  Then (this is the strange part) the baby seemed to grow before my eyes from maybe a 4 mth size to about 8 mths.  Still in my belly but larger and I could see the outline of the baby as if it was one of those 3D ultrasound pics.  I’ve never had one of those done….always the regular ones but I’ve seen the prints of friends of mine.  Anywho, as the baby grows to almost full term, suddenly the baby is out of my belly and floating in mid-air before me but I don’t reach out to touch it….I’m just standing there looking in complete shock.  The baby is rotating from every angle as if it’s a chicken in a rotisserie oven (I’m trying my best to describe this) and I realize the baby looks like my other two.  The baby was small in a fetal position floating in mid-air on its back, the baby was a light complexion with a head full of head like D.J. but instead of a curly ‘fro like my other 2 this baby actually had a side part with the hair smoothed down looking very chic and modern.  (Does that make sense?  Picture a glam shot with a low side part a la Rhianna but with the hair gell’d down onto her head).  Anywho, the baby is rotating before me yawning like it’s in the womb still, eyes closed, balled up, wrinkly, and looking like it could be my baby but why like this?!  I tried to see if it was a boy or a girl but the legs wrap tightly around each other with the cord laced in-between so there was nothing I could see (it looked so real that I wondered if I had dreamt it at all).  Then, suddenly, I’m back pregnant with the baby in my belly regular size as before still jabbin me in my side. 

Second part of dream, I’m in a book store during the day where there are several people sitting but I’m with someone. (Kinda like in that movie How the Grinch Stole Christmas where the person was taking Grinch through some of his life scenes and the Grinch could see people but the people couldn’t see him.  It was like that).  A few months ago, I’d met this young lady who designs clothing.  I met with her to do a dress for me, we sat down to talk about colors, patterns, fabrics, measurements, etc.  Well, she was in the same bookstore we’d met in that day but she was sitting at a different table with a white guy sitting across from her.  I remember her vividly because, at the time I met with her, she was pregnant but in my dream she wasn’t pregnant anymore.  (In my dream, I honestly thought to myself “she must’ve had her baby” as if I was seeing this in real life) She was wearing a white sleeveless sweater with a mock kinda collar, her hair was long and down on both sides (probably a weave because I’ve never seen her natural hair that long), and she had on a white or silver’ish eye shadow on her top lids close to the lashline that coordinated with the white of her shirt.  She was talking with the white guy about the same thing we had discussed and I (and whomever I was with) was standing right next to the table but I’m not sure if she saw us or sensed us.  (I’m not sure why I know with certainty that I was with someone but I know with certainty that I was.  I never thought to look over at the person I was with though…I was focused on her and what was going on with her as if I needed to pay attention to something but I know I was with someone and I swear I thought she looked up at me or the person I was with….not sure though).  There were other people sitting in this part of the bookstore but no one looked up at me.  Then she grabbed a calculator, pressed in some numbers, and pushed it across the table at the guy saying that was the price she is charging for his garment.  (When he looked at the figure, I remember leaning over the table to look down at the calculator in my dream because I too thought her prices were steep and I saw a $1k amount).  The white guy’s eyes got all big, he looked at her like she was crazy, and he said something like that’s way too expensive for this suit and he can’t afford that.  I don’t know what happened after that but I know “we” (who ever I was with) walked away from the table and I vanished from that dream.

I don’t know why I had a dream with the designer in it since I haven’t spoken to her since our consultation.  I know she did have a baby recently….a little boy.  I saw a picture of him on Facebook….he kinda looks like the baby in the picture minus the rat pack circa hairstyle.  He was a light complexion.  In the picture I saw of him on Facebook, he had his mouth open similar to a yawn.  I can’t explain why she was in my dream sitting at a table or why I dreamt I was having a baby and saw a baby similar to my own 2 or to the one she just recently had.  There was nothing wrong with her baby or pregnancy from what I know and the dream didn’t hint at anything either.  I didn’t even know how her baby looked till I had the dream last night and decided to search for her on Facebook to try and figure out her significance at all.  So it happened in that order: dream, search FB, see baby pics, and write blog post.  The weird thing is that, at the end of my dream once the baby went back into my womb and started jabbing me again, I had a strong urge to take a pregnancy test while thinking “what am I gonna tell Jamal?!”  Jamal is my guy right now in real life.  It seems confusing because the scenes of my dream are completely out of order for the ending to show me searching my bathroom for an at-home pregnancy test and wondering how on earth I’ll break the news to my boyfriend.  Hmmm.  That is when the dream no longer connected to the designer and her baby.  Someone once told me that maybe my dreams are a secret manifestation of my own desires as if I want to be pregnant with this man’s, or any man’s, baby.  If this blog had audio I’d scream this loud as hell NO!!!!! I don’t.  Babies in the future…maybe.  Babies right now….no.  Can’t make that clear enough and it’s a poor excuse to explain a dream.  You don’t understand it….newsflash, neither do I.  The key thing is that I was fully conscious of the fact that this was all happening from my subconscious state of mind because I clearly recall telling myself or asking myself something and looking for that something in my dream because, once I awake, I’d wanna know the answer to this and that question.  Checking for the sex of the baby, asking myself if she’d had her baby, wondering who was standing next to me, asking myself why this baby looked like it could be mine…I was there but not there.

Dreaming to Spit

Something I know nothing about but I’m going to write about it anyways….hasn’t stopped a lot of other people from doing the same thing AND it’s my 2 cents which, according to the 32B currency exchange system, is worth more than anyone else’s 2 cents.  Unless they are music pioneers or legends then I will shut up.  Anywho, apparently black men have a lot to say by way of music because countless are trying to break into the music biz with little grasp with reality, little inkling of talent, and little shame to blame everyone else for their own lack of success since everyone else has been plotting to keep them from world domination since everyone else seems to care for some reason or another.  A friend of mine has told me countless stories of how he did this with TLC, knows this person who worked with Toni Braxton, how he DJ’d this party, met this celeb, rubbed elbows with him over there, sat right next to her over here, and got many avenues and doors opened once he moved to Atlanta for entertainment opportunities.  I sit and listen watching the excitement dance in his eyes as he relives these years of his youth and I smile to myself because I can tell from the way his face lights up that he loved every minute of it, how he can’t stop smiling that he enjoyed it all, and how he kept touching my arm to let me know to hone in on this next story because it’s the best of them all that he was glad he got the chance.

I asked him later why he moved to Chicago.  Why he left it all behind to pursue his own business, to cut hair in hopes of opening his own shop, left all the glam behind in Hotlanta to deal with the cold in Chi city.  He says he outgrew it and he needed a stable & regular income.  He can still DJ if need be but the desire to give your blood, sweat, tears, 1st born, and complete savings and any to come for the next decade was something he didn’t feel anymore.  He pointed to a poster on the back wall of the barber shop…a poster I have seen countless time.  Someone guy by the name of Bo…he has a last name/alias but I can’t remember it.  When he pointed to the picture my friend said, he just got signed to Gucci Mane’s label.  Interesting.  I barely know who Gucci Mane is much less him having his own label to care about some unknown guy named Bo but I’m sure I’ll know him eventually.  My thing is this, Bo looked to be close to Bo Jackson’s age and all this poster-Bo has done is hit the streets hard to finally get someone’s attention and a record deal probably 20 yrs shy of his retirement age.  Is that a good thing?  My friend explain that that’s the business but I don’t think it’s no different than any other business where you constantly fight to get into a field but with music there is no care to age, bills, responsibilities, or becoming self-sufficient.  How old can you be still pushing home-made CDs and albums?  How much can you blame everyone else including the economy because you can’t buy groceries when you spend every opportunity to secure studio time, travel here & there to perform, and invest in getting your music on any outlet possible.  Can you do both?  Bring in money and throw it away hoping one of those discarded dollars lands on some now-semi-famous-but-questionably-talented artist who can open a door for you?

I mentioned guys earlier because I see no shortage of women in the music biz.  I don’t care what tactics or strategies they deploy to get or stay there in the absence of real talent….all I know is that I seem to trip over a dozen black guys everyday looking to be the next Nas.  So, sitting in the barber shop, we discussed the main paths in life most black men seem to think they have available to them…..sports or music.  I mentioned my own boys and how I’d prefer and think they’d have a better chance at playing a professional sport than having a successful music career since a) musical talent skipped every generation in my family b)natural athletic ability is evidenced as we speak & c)because the stats speak against both but I’d place my money on sports by and large.  A guy trying to make an NFL team by spending countless hours training, in the weight room, staying fit to get rejected at each combine is not as bad as some wishful thinking artist who invests the same amount of time and dollars to impress anyone will might know someone who knows someone who knows someone.  That athlete, in the meantime, can coach, build a great business based on their talents, and pursue other avenues from there.  The artist at times seems a bit delusional in their own skills and more of a dreamer than a realist.  At times a realist is often called a pessimist but I beg to differ on that one esp when age catches up to you and all you can say is, “it’s this damn economy” or “why do I have to pay to perform” or “this city is not inviting to musical artists” or “I see everyone else making it big except me and their music is commercial!”  What can you do?  What can you say?

Some dreams are nothing but dreams…never meant to come true.  Some dreams do come true but not all of them.  A backup plan is one which is actually concrete and proven to be profitable no matter what the situation.  You can’t say, “I’ll be the next Nas but, until then, I’ll get a degree in Fashion Design”….really?!  My dream and backup plan need a bailout & a Harpo hookup!   As mention earlier, my 2 cents are all that matters here (j/k) and I have no experience in this so this next statement is coming from a purely business aspect with a bottom line in mind….if you are a nobody with questionable skills at best then why would I pay a nobody to perform at my decently well known venue?  What do I stand to benefit?  I will pub the hell outta your name thinking that since a well established venue is backing this nobody then that confidence from my regular patrons will bring them here to at least buy a drink or two even if this nobody sucks!  My patrons might be a tad bit upset that they wasted their time, the nobody might be upset that no one showed up or paid more attention to the artwork on the wall than their lyrics, but I have made some profit off both and this nobody has paid me in the process.  Until you can generate patrons on your name alone where I pay you to come to my venue (like they do celebs) then I will not care about the $ I’m dishing out….do you know how many people will be lined up outside just to come into my club?!?! I’d charge a kidney for cover alone!!  Nothing personal…it’s just business.  Music.  Some people will spit on their entire life just to spit on the mic.  Might wanna rethink that unless you really are talented…and not in your own opinion.

A Message?

I’m not sure how to begin this post because I’m not sure what I am writing about.  I know what I heard and saw but I can’t remember if I was awake or asleep.  I have spent the last couple of days going back through the last week or two trying to recall where this situation happened but I can’t.  I have gone through each day, tried to remember any faces from my memory, tried to place things I saw in the room, tried to place anything that will tell me if I dreamt it or if I was awake in an actual room somewhere but I can’t remember it anymore.  Both scenarios are weird because there is nothing I don’t remember and I always remember dreams once I wake up in such detail I can blog or tell someone about it.  Neither holds true now and I find that….weird. 

At my church, there has been a member who has been battling cancer for some time now.  Not sure how long but I’m certain it’s at least a year but no more than three years maybe.  She is doing fine right now and, when she makes it to church, she has no sick look or defeated attitude at all.  She is an inspiration.  Another member of my church asked me to ask the Prayer Ministry to pray for her a few weeks ago but I told her I at least needed to know about what in particular we were praying for without her having to go into detail.  For example, a financial blessing, health, family, your kids, a new career, a new car, that new purse, etc.  She told me she had gotten some bad health news and left it at that so I did too.  As the weeks went on, she told me she was going for a 2nd opinion before she began any treatment.  I asked if it was cancer.  She said the docs told her it’s benign but they wanna cut anyways to remove it.  At a meeting recently, someone else close to me reminded us all of her brother who was going through chemo or radiation (I can’t remember which) and how he is doing fine and is very strong.  She had mentioned it before but it wasn’t until now that it grabbed my attention because cancer, if not death in general, has been a running topic around me.

I was standing in a room with a lot of people I do not know.  I know I didn’t know them because I couldn’t recognize their faces but I know I came with people I knew.  Maybe 2 or 3 people.  Who these 2 or 3 people were?  No clue.  The strange thing is that some parts I know with complete certainty such as my being there with a couple people I know and knowing I was in a room of strangers.  I recall complaining about something minor.  I don’t remember what it was but let’s just assume I was talking about being single since I complain about that often.  So, here I am in this room full of people with 2 or 3 people standing near me that I actually knew when someone overhears me complaining and they enter my conversation politely.  Not intruding but just to often some tidbits of advice when the person who intruded into my conversation decided to tell me someone close to her was dying.  When I say someone close to her I mean someone such as her mom.  Then someone else overheard our conversation and let everyone know their son was dying.  Then someone said their dad was dying.  Then someone said their sister was dying and it continued like that for a few minutes and all I could do was look to the left, to the right, ahead of me and constantly see these strangers tell me that someone they know is dying and all I could do was stand there in complete shock wanting to cry and cover my ears.  I wanted to cover my ears because I felt death in that room, I smelled death in that room, all those people were expecting death to come but hoping they were wrong, everyone in that room was in danger of losing someone close to them and they all were telling me as if I asked, “who is losing a loved one”.  Not a neighbor or someone they know through someone else who they went to school with years ago….someone who they have grown up with. 

I didn’t cover my ears but I stood there and listened all the while thinking, “death comes to us all”.  I wasn’t afraid but I was saddened.  I do remember that and I try to recall how I felt at the time at my core.  It was not fear for me but sadness for those people in that room who shared that information with me because here I was complaining about something trivial when they ALL were going through something I could never imagine.  And going through it collectively.  I don’t remember the reasons why some of the loved ones were dying but I definitely heard cancer at least once in the room.  Why did I immediately get sad?  Because death is not a joyful thing where you congratulate someone.  These people didn’t seem pained from what I recalled, they didn’t seem angry at me, they didn’t even seem stressed or anything.  They seemed normal and I felt sad they had to go through that.  Why did I think, “death comes to us all”?  Because it’s a line from my fav movie Braveheart and I always remembered that line because when the character said those words she was pained emotionally but strong knowing, in a way, that there was nothing she could do about the situation but she was going to triumph over it. 

And that is it.  I still don’t know if I dreamt it or if it actually happened and I just can’t recall where, when, or why right now.  If I do eventually, then I will blog about it.  Just wanted to get this out because my dreams usually cease when I tell someone involved or when I write it when I’m not sure who is involved.  Since I don’t know who is involved in this present situation, then I guess I am trying to release it so I can take my hands down from my ears.  Yes, we will all die eventually but no one wants to hear about it.  Know it’s waiting on your doorstep.  Or see a multitude of people whom you don’t know going through it at the same time and there is nothing you can do.  Why they told me?  Because I was complaining about something trivial.  This is one of those moments when I wish I could remember but, at the same time, it’s probably a blessing that I can’t so I write about it and point out little things that I do recall hoping it will shield some light once I read it for myself.  I’m worrying about something minor when there is a bigger issue….ahead? In life? Coming?  In general?  I don’t know.