Maybe

My last post was January 28th, 2011.  I kinda hoped people would think I had abandoned instead of simply neglected this blog.  There were days I had things to write about, things I wanted to vent about, or even topics I wanted to discuss with myself but I found some of those were better left inside my head and heart.  Recently, some idiot subscribed to my blog.  I got the email, read it twice, and wondered who would do such a thing?!  Did they not notice the date of my last entry?  Foolish.

Since January, some things have changed but most have remained the same.  Current events, politics, religion, relationships, love, parenting, running, writing, career, education, family, finances, etc matter here and there but never enough to justify writing a post about them.  One day I’m up and another day I’m down.  One day I’m ecstatic and the next I wanna run from it all.  I used to want to run from it all often.  Now, I can honestly say I don’t mind sticking around much longer.  Things are not as bad when you purge and secure your environment.  Apologies.  I have none.  Bitch.  That I can be.  Happy.  Surprisingly, yes.

I need therapy.  I need to write.  I need to run.  Mostly, I need therapy.  I wanna lay down on someone’s couch and talk and express and vent and cuss and cry and laugh and yell and just tell all about my life thus far.  My experiences have been fantastically normal.  Sometimes I think I should write a book but my experiences haven’t been any different from anyone else’s.  Sometimes I think I should write a song (but not sing it – torture) but it will be similar to some other song someone else has written.  Which is why I have not written because my experience will match someone else’s and it’s lame.  I don’t like people in my head, knowing my thoughts, my feelings, or what I’m doing.  Usually because it don’t seem to agree with someone else so I don’t like the criticism.  You gotta be thick-skinned to do most things publicly.

It’s Sunday.  Tomorrow is Monday.  After that it’s Tuesday.  I’ll run 3-5 miles.  Work.  Read.  Watch a movie.  Listen to music.  And every now and then update my Facebook or Twitter status.  That is my life.  I miss a lot of things and a lot of people but then I’m reminded that they or it were not what I had originally thought so I go back to being.  But, back to the therapy part, there is one niche market where no therapy exists.  That is the market I belong to.  That is what I find interesting.  Maybe I have a book in me.  If only I can become anonymous that would be great.  I don’t care about comments, readers, followings, or popularity.  If I could pen a book anonymously that would be fantastic and I would tell no one I wrote it because I’m too thin-skinned to handle the criticism, judgements, or even ridicule.  So, why write it?  Because I have something to say.  Cowardly?  Yes.  Still have not been to church in months.  Fear.  God has not given us the spirit of fear.  Skepticism.  Atheist.  My friend laughed when she reminisced on how she thought I had lost my faith.  Defiant.

Personal finances are still….going.  My goal month is September 1st, 2011.  I’ll have $16k in my Shit Happens account.  Then I’ll start on my student loans and my 40 Acres account.  I need to add my And A Mule account onto that but I’m good for now without a car.  My Monopoly account is steady with play money for stuff I want but don’t necessarily need.  It will have taken me 1.5 years to fully fund my Shit Happens account but I still feel like it’s not enough.  Maybe I should double it to be on the safe side.  Reduce my taxable income.  Increase my 401k contribution.  I need to do something.  Taxes are something I do not like paying although I get a refund every single year.  I still live humbly so I can have a safety net.  I enjoy life but I care more about not being at the mercy of my employers, job, or income.  Really need to put a dent into my student loan balance.  It’s ridiculous.  By January 1st, 2013 (if I’m alive by then), I should have $14k in my 40 Acres account.  I’ve never bought a house before but I was told how much I might need so that is how I have structured my budget for the next 2 years out.  Sounds geeky, I know but I like being disciplined and seeing the fruits of my labor.  The amazing thing is how I see “stuff” now.  Nothing is valuable other than the intangibles.  Clothes, shoes, purses, things, furniture, etc all have a price.  Since saving I realize that I was paying a high price to have most of them when they never really satisfied me.  The other good thing: I love when people think I’m struggling.  It’s amazing what you can get for free or cheap when people think you are barely making ends meet.  Idiots.  But, it’s not about the money.  If I die before I anticipate, my kids will be on a great financial path.  You can’t take the money with you, I splurge on things that I feel are important to me, pull back in other areas I couldn’t care less about, and have created a nice balance.  For the first time in my family in generations, I want to be able to leave my kids something other than my outstanding debt and high funeral costs.  I lived my life.  Take this money, invest it, spend a little, and live your life too but don’t forget God cause He will royally throw a wrench in any plans you thought you had.

Maybe I’ll write something else this week.  Maybe I’ll wait until September.  Maybe stupid people will stop subscribing to neglected blogs.  Maybe.