Smartphone – Too Much?!

For the last almost 3 years I have had an LG Rumor phone.  At the time I got it, it was cutting edge and new since it focused on what was the rave at that time – texting.  Now, with smartphones, my phone is officially lame.  Everyone keep telling me and begging me to upgrade to a smartphone but I cannot justify the reason why.  Some people make a list of reasons to upgrade to new technology but it only end up being a list of reasons why they think they need it (or deserve it) as opposed to reasons why they honestly need it.  Who really needs a Blackberry? A phone that makes a chirpping sound?  Or a on-the-go laptop that fits in the palm of your hand smartphone?  I can tell you someone from my circle who honestly need and have one for their careers and/or lifestyles.  Everyone else is just being trendy.  I looked up the latest and greatest phones.  They have all the features I hear about today.  The Android.  The apps.  The Wifi.  The simultaneous capabilities.  The video chat.  The everything basically that my current phone does not have. 

What do I need my phone for?  Making calls, sending and receiving text messages, sending and receiving photos, and that is about it.  I had the internet but I turned it off and completely downgraded my plan because I found myself only checking sites like Facebook, Twitter, and reading blogs I can read at home.  With Sprint, I cannot find a plan that will give me unlimited minutes (I use my phone when I wfh), unlimited text messages (I am a serial texter), without an internet/data package.  It’s as if it’s unheard of to have a phone without needing the internet.  Then someone asked what if I need GPS.  To go where?  I bus and train it everywhere.  I have RTA (Chicago area transportation system) on speed dial for current schedules and directions.  Can you get lost walking?  Then someone asked why I do not want apps.  I do not need apps now or else I would have them.  Needing apps is a learned need or learned dependency imo.  An app to do what I probably do manually on my own?  Or a pointless app to show me I always needed it but didn’t know that until now.  Several people have called me an old woman.  I don’t care….anymore.  But, that did not stop me from looking online and trying to decide between 2 phones.

One phone is a texter’s dream.  Qwerty board, color screen with emoticons, and internet if I want it for social networking.  Smaller screen compared to the trendier phone and no touchscreen but it gives me what I need.  The other phone is an Android, touchscreen, apps-crazed, internet beast of a phone.  Do I need all of that?  No.  Do I still want the phone?  Yes.  I want to play with it and see what it can do only to know I will turn the internet off eventually and only use the most basic of phone features which totally defeats the purpose of having this phone, right?  My thinking with this and everything is, is it worth the price?  Do I get value from it or do I want to convince myself I get value from it.  Cost – the texter phone is free after my $150 upgrade credit while the latest greatest phone is $50 after my $100 mail-in rebate.  I hate mail-in rebates….why must I wait for my own money??  Anywho, for the sake of being an old woman and only getting what I actually need while upgrading closer to the current times of technology, I might go with the texter phone.  Maybe in another 2 or 3 years I will finally get an Android touchscreen apps phone but, by then, that will be ancient and I’ll be just as content still.

Winter Wonderfest!

Yesterday, I took my kids and nephew to Navy Pier’s Winter Wonderfest.  Since they are leaving December 23rd – Jan 1st, I wanted them to go for the first time esp since the last day is Jan 2nd.  It is ridiculous how much money I spent altogether!  Admission was free but the rides required a wristband which, if you are bringing kids, you have to buy.  What kid only wants to watch everyone else have fun?!?!  There was also an indoor skating rink but we didn’t buy a wristband for that.  With 2 kids under 5, there was no way I could pull off supervising them both.  We stayed at Navy Pier for 5 hours.  Yes, five hours…the best moment was the Starbucks White Hot Chocolate.  Mmmmm!  When we finally left, I was so tired and so were the kids.  We hopped the bus back home and I think I fell asleep about 9pm just to wake up at 3am because someone stupidly set their alarm for this time (me), and then tossed and turned until it was really time to get up for work.  This week means school is out which is complete torture.  Kids in the house with an abundance of energy and mommy working is not a good combination.  If I wanted to blow money, I would take them to the sitter tomorrow but I am on that Get Out of Debt Quickly plan so that will not work.  Christmas gifts have been cut to a minimum and that is no exaggeration.  Add to that the fact that my youngest turns 5 yrs old this Wednesday, then you will know how broke I really am.  Birthday plans?  Well, I work the day of his birthday but the next day I plan to bake a cake, buy him this big stupid truck/car that he wants, and take them to see Tron in 3D.  Boys are the easiest to have.  Throw a car/truck their way, food, sweets, and a cool kick ass movie and they are happy.  Happy Birthday!!

I have 2 days to wash, pack, and wrap their stuff to leave for the Christmas break.  Knowing me, I will be busy til the last minute doing all this only to pass out after they leave in exhaustion.  First Christmas without the kids (if things go as planned) so I am a little sad and confused on what the hell the holiday is for minus kids.  I may actually go to church which will be nice but, other than that, I am glad I have 2 equally lonely single sisters to occupy my time.  We gotta turn each day/night into a Girls’ Night and I need to learn how to make Martinis asap.  New Years Eve Resolutions?  I thought I had some for 2010 but I couldn’t find them to even know if I failed or succeeded.  My 2011 Resolutions?  Likely the same as 2010 but I will be more specific so I am able to track my progress:

Finances: Get my current debt down to just my loans (student and car) which means I have to stick to my payment schedules currently in place right now so, by  June 2011, I have freed up some funds for other ventures.  Finally get my Emergency Fund up to $10k and pray no emergency happens period while continuing to live below my means. 

Career: Pass CTP exam.  If by some wicked spin, I fail the exam in June 2011, I still have December 2011 to take and pass it.  I do not want to take the exam twice esp since my company will cover the expenses the first time around only, so I am gearing up to study hard for June.  Register for and pass with A’s my next 2 classes this summer.  I plan to take Accounting and Information Systems but you know how Registar offices/counselors like you to take classes in a certain order…..blah!

Running: Half Marathon – I finished 2010 in a time of 1:56 so I would love to finish 2011 in 1:45 which is about an 8 min/mile pace, 5k – break 23 mins which will require about a 7.5 min/mile pace although I would love a 7 min/mile pace (I like to bite off more than I can chew sometimes).

Travel: Get a passport and Visa (my sister said I need both) so I can take a trip overseas soon.  I’ll need to save for it as well which is why this will run over into 2012 if I am still alive during that time.  I would love to go to Paris, South Africa, or Spain – that is my list thus far.  Who knows?

I have not run any mileage in weeks still.  This week I will be able to make it to the treadmill.  Next week, definitely.  I still weigh the same, don’t think I have gotten flabby, but I feel less than muscularly or cardiovascularly strong.  I was late for the train one morning cause I spent way too much time dancing in the mirror to a song I was playing in my head so I made a mad dash for the train station a good 6 city blocks from my apartment.  Normally, 6 blocks is nothing but this morning over snow and some ice in black leather snow boots I felt….like a kid   sounds stupid but I did.  Will I make it?  Will I miss it?  Will I slip on ice and break my skinny butt?  I wasn’t out of breath but I think I was too excited by the game itself that I didn’t notice.  All the while, I was checking my form, my legs, my feet, and my vision.  All seems good as usual.  Yes!  I made the train this time but missed it another time.  Almost jaywalked into traffic to make the train but I survived with a smile on my face as I raced up the platform only in disappointment that the train was going slow so I had to slow down.  Slow down??  I am in the zone!  Speedy Gonzalez!!  I’m ready to run like the wind!!!  Yeah, I have some extra energy to blow off if I find the chance of missing my train to work in the morning to be exciting. 

This Christmas, I might cook a freakin turkey.  I have the Cajun injector stuff with the Cajun rub and something else that came with it.  All I need is the turkey itself.  Probably will cook at my sister’s apartment again but, instead of Grey Goose, I will make Appletinis….my fav drink!  Or, something else to try something different…blah!  I wanna go see a movie and go ice skating too.  I wanna go back to Godiva and eat fattening but delish chocolate something.  I wanna get back into my running somehow between eating and drinking but, knowing me, only some of this will get done depending on how cold it gets here.  Blizzard and/or negative wind chills means my butt is staying indoors.  If I plan to travel abroad, I should probably learn how to speak French or Spanish.  Wow….that sounds so exciting!

Redemption

“Tell me something you have never told anyone else”, he says.  Does he not know me yet?  “Hello, my name is _____.  I keep no secrets and live my life like an open book”.  “Aren’t you afraid that one day that might bite you?”, he asks.  I think about it again as this is not the first time I have been asked this.  I bite the side of my lip as I think, my eyes look out the nearby window, and my mind plays the worst case scenario.  “No, I am like everyone else except I uncover my wrongs whether I right them or not”.  He puts on his thinking face as he furrows his brow and looks down at the table in silence.  Decision time.  I knew this was coming.  “So you have no secrets because you have told everything”, he confirms.  “Yes”, I reply.  Or, so I thought.

There is one secret left that only 2 people in this world know of, excluding God of course.  To tell would break a heart, shatter trust, and destroy the sweetest of interactions.  To continue withholding it may prevent all of this but nothing ever stays buried or in the dark.  All things must and shall come to light.  If I tell Him, then I have redemption.  If I tell her, I face persecution.  If I tell him, I face accusations.  If I tell them, I face annihilate.  So, who do I tell when only 3 of the 4 are positives?  Should I not tell them all and face my punishment for the crime I committed?  Am I woman enough to do it but not woman enough to admit it?  How can I face myself every morning, afternoon, evening, day, week, month, year? 

My plan was to point to her and say, “it was her fault, she is the one who did it” except the her in this would my finger pointing right back at me.  Her would be the past me while Me would be the current me.  I like to divide the persons to accurately place blame for the crime.  Yes, I know she used to be me but I am me now and I know how wrong it was for her to do such a thing so can you please find it in your heart to forgive her so that I may live the remaining days of my life?  What kind of bullshit is that!?!  Who would not laugh after hearing that or choke of their own spit at the audacity of my request?  Seriously?!  You want me/him/us to do what??  But, I have enough experience to know how it will end and “positively” is not one of the words that come to mind.  So, I go back to my conversation, rewinding time, and picked up right where I should have left off.  ”Tell me something you have never told anyone else”, he says.  “I cannot whistle”, I say with laughter.  He smiles and asks me to try.  The moment passes and I breathe a little easier.  My redemption is given by one and taken away by no one.

Free Me!

I was having one of those days and actually felt like the title of this post.  Then, that day turned into several days which turned into a week and then two weeks.  I wanted to signal to the ref (God) for a time-out and I actually did (through prayer) but I think God is ignoring me right now.  Nothing overly stressful, overbearing, frustrating, or even irritating – I just want to get away.  My savings has stalled at $6,500 which is $1k short of my 2010 goal.  I have not accumulated too much debt this year which is good but I will be paying off the 2 remaining debts I have soon – one ends the 1st quarter of 2011 and the other ends 2nd quarter of 2011.  I have to move soon but all apartments I find are crappy and/or too expensive.  I am not trying to spend more than $800/month for rent (Chicago prices) without having a washer/dryer in the building.  I do not get along with laundromats!  My ex is crying broke again but always and forever rocks the latest sneaks, gadgets, etc.  How you broke but flossin’ (do people still use that word?) like we aint in a recession or like you have paid all your bills but got excess to blow?  I do not get it and never will.  Thank God for divorces and second chances.  If I never get a second try, then thank God for acceptance of my fate or destiny.  My semester ended and I waiting for my final grades to post so HR can cut that check and I can pay the remaining balance of my tuition.  My school sent me a letter stating the balance must be paid by Jan 20, 2011 or I will incur a $100 late fee.  You know how HR departments like to drag their feet on things that are important to you so I was trying to get that done asasp but grades might not post until next Monday.  My grades?  I only took 2 courses: one an actual grades course and another which is Pass/Fail.  I should get an A out of the one class since all we were required to do was turn in 6 papers (which I did) and participate in discussions (I muttered something every blue moon).  The other class I passed with a 98% on my final exam so I am elated!  Partially mad that it is only a P or F class but still happy that I retained enough knowledge about accounting/stat/econ/finance to get an A.  As soon as grades post, I am emailing/calling/IM’in (yes, we have corporate IM) the HR folks. 

All that aside, I just feel like getting away but I cannot afford to dip into my already low savings account.  In my head, I thought of how great it would be to just go somewhere for a full week.  My kids will be with their dad and I have that entire week off work anyways – no barriers except finances but I can still use my imagination.  I would go someplace semi-warm (it’s even kind of cold in FL and CA), run daily in nice weather, check out cool eats, do different activities, sleep in, eat until I am wobbling instead of walking, meet new people, and just get out of my same old routine environment.  I have no plans for Christmas or New Year’s Eve.  I definitely plan to avoid a church though.  My thoughts even included going solo.  No one to get on my nerves, complain about their life when we are supposed to leave that sh*t at home where it needs to be, no one going anywhere broke like some people like to do, and no one messing up my perfectly serene me time to dictate what I want to do on my own dime during my week of ultimate vacation.  But I sat down and looked at my financial goals for the next year, check on my progress thus far, and asked myself how financially irresponsible can I stand to be without coming back completely recharged but bogged down by the money I spent while away?  If I have to ask that question then I probably shouldn’t go anywhere.  I ask myself all the time, “what if I die tomorrow?” to decide on doing something spontaneous and fun.  My vacation is delayed – tabled – pending – TBD because if I die tomorrow I would feel bad about leaving so little behind for my kids.  I need to unlearn that crap….thinking of others before myself because, although it sounds cute and upright, it would be nice if those same bastards (not my kids) thought about me in the slightest bit. 

A friend asked me to accompany him to Miami, FL next Feb 2011  – I might do that.  This same friend has every intention on going to Paris for his birthday in May 2011 and asked me to join him – I might do that.  Will either of these trips actually take place?  Maybe one of the two because, from where I sit, the latter is so not in his financial future but his vision might see something mine does not.  Hope, maybe?  But, that is not the solo trip I imagined.  Being a loner is peaceful and less stressful.  Traveling alone can be dangerous, I know.  I only wish I cared that much to do more than just acknowledge it though.  My vacation will come soon enough and it will be magical, free, and rejuvenating.  One day, a guy I met (when am I not meeting a guy?!) asked me how I would feel if I was locked up alone in an all white room without a door or window so I could not leave and no one could come in.  I told him I would feel strangely at peace with that set-up.  I would feel comfortable, free, able to enjoy the company of the one person I adore most in this life – me.   Then I stopped and wondered why being closed out from the world and alone would not scare me, cause me to go insane, rip off each nail trying to dig a hole through a wall or two, lose my voice screaming for rescue, or fear I might talk so much to myself that I might lose my grip with reality (I have watched too many movies)?  First, I am a firm believer that I take God everywhere with me so I am never alone even though I might talk His ear off.  Second, I stated several times that I am a loner and often cannot stand people.  Third, I tend to accept the way things are to be rather than try to change what cannot be changed.  If there are no doors, windows, and no one else in the room then maybe my attempt to get out of that room will magically create a door/window, etc and that would be a twist, test, or whatever.  Maybe I desire something else.  The guy later told me that that scenario depicts death and someone’s answer will show how ready they are to die.  Am I ready to die?  Of course my answer will forever and always be “no” but I pray God at least asks me first before snatching the life from my body.  Pretty please?  Maybe then He will give me my time-out instead of calling the game to an end….I always have it in me for a little overtime or two or three or four.  Five seconds on the clock, the game is tied in the 4th quarter, Denisha has the ball, the Angels are on their feet, Satan is yelling for his team to D up but they can’t stop this Chicago chick cause I’m breaking ankles like they’ve never been broken before, I go for a layup with my tongue hanging out MJ-style, and then the whistle is blown…..come on ref!!!  But I shut-up before I end up with a technical too.

Mr. Law School Thus Far…

It seriously snowed for the first time this winter and it looks really pretty out.  Cold but pretty.  My kids went out twice Saturday and once Sunday to play in the snow making full use of their new boots, gloves, and snowpants.  I have my final exam in my overall math/finance/econ/stat class this week.  I just finished my Stat lesson and now know with complete certainty that I hate Statistics.  I barely made it through Econ.  I have come to the conclusion that anything that requires reading theories, concepts, or ideas is boring, boring, and boring.  If I am calculating something with a little bit of reading here and there then I am A’ok.  If I am reading a lot of something with a little bit of computing here and there then I am falling asleep. 

Mr. Law School…I haven’t written anything about my conclusions thus far but I think it is time.  It has been one month and I am confused as hell.  We have had 4 dates for each 4 weeks we have been dating.  First date, we met at Starbucks, we walked over to Borders to shop for our kids, and then grabbed a bite to eat at Leona’s.  Good 1st date although I had a heat attack at the beginning in the uber hot Starbucks location near my sister’s apartment.  Second date, we went to grab breakfast at this chicken & waffles restaurant out south, went to his church for service, and then went to see For Colored Girls.  Third date, we went to play pool at this place near Oprah studio, had a couple of drinks, watched the Bears game on the big screen, and just chilled/played pool for about 3-4 hours.  Fourth date, indoor picnic at his place (this was following Thanksgiving and I already told him I wanted to try his jerk turkey & his mom’s seafood dressing) complete with picnic blanket, picnic basket, my favorite wine, and jazz music playing in the background.  After the picnic dinner, went to see Love & Other Drugs which I mentioned wanting to see.  After that, we sat in the kitchen eating more Thanksgiving leftovers, talking until 3am, and then falling asleep (innocently, I might add). 

The best thing I like about him is how he treats the women in his life – his mom, sister, aunts, and daughter even still gushing over his grandmother who passed away.  When his dad was out-of-town, he stepped in to take over as the man of the family on all fronts.  I won’t list every little thing but, overall, it is an excellent quality.  The worst thing I do not like about him is his mouth – attitude, rude, and often times sarcastic unnecessarily.  We have been out several times when he has done some questionable things to those in a customer service role.  More times than not, the person was indeed at fault so I too thought it was bad customer service.  I just thought he should not have reacted the way he did, got down to their level, or even should have played the “mature” or “bigger person” card instead.  One moment I literally had to close my eyes and shake my head in embarrassment because I felt like I was out with a teenager who had just got upset at another actual teenager instead of letting it roll off his back.  His explanation?  He has to say something, has to let them know, has to be blunt because that is who he is…..blunt.  My response?  I get the whole honesty thing but some battles are not worth fighting esp when I just wanna go find our seats instead of listen to you argue with a 16 yr old girl who clearly failed Customer Service 101. 

We talk a lot on the phone and, at first, I was still trying to figure him out why he did things in public like that.  For a while I was walking on eggshells not sure if something I said was going to start an argument, not sure if what I was feeling would start a debate, and not sure if what I questioned would end in a psychoanalysis on his end.  His Masters degree is in Psychology….trust me, he makes that clear every single time he decides to diagnosis and analysis every word I said, how I said it, and what the underlying tone of it is.  And I thought I over-analyze things!  Then he says “go with the flow”….I’m trying but your current is not flowing with mine most of the time.  So, to not start a fight I decided to chill.  Going with the flow allowed me to open up more, show more of my personality, say what I felt without worry of his attitude, and just be me.  That period was good because now I know more about his personality, sense of humor, habits, etc.  It is a learning stage I guess and a chance to figure out he can alter and what is innately who he is. 

He survived my emotional week recently which says a lot.  I too survived many of his emotional periods as well.  One time, we had been talking on the phone for hours and I was tired.  We said our “see ya laters” and I hung up.  Not even 5 minutes later, he texted me this emotional message about not knowing if I wanted to be here, how I felt, if I was taking him seriously, etc.  What?! I called to talk about it even reminding him that maybe he should have mentioned this over the phone instead of sending me 4 text messages back-to-back to which he says, “maybe I am having a male PMS’in moment”.  Ya think?  When he has a hectic weekend coming up, that Friday I will say “look, I know you will be busy so I will talk to you next week” to which he asks, “why would you do that?” to which I respond, “well, you are going to be running around like crazy so I thought it would be easier for you” to which he says, “no, I will call you still” and I say “aight”.  He does call even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes and he always says “I’m just checking in with you” or “just touching bases” and I say “aight”.  He involves me in conversations with his parents and sister often putting them on speaker phone or vice versa so now they know who I am without having actually met me.  Or, he might tell them something I said while I am still on the phone like we all know each other already.  Weird?  He told me to text, call, or say what I feel when I feel it.  Ok.  But, when I do that, he pulls away or acts like it’s nothing as if my cutesy girly text messages on a whim are commonplace.  But, when he does uber mushy stuff, he expects me to react and acknowledge it as if I should be honored.  Is this a game?

He hates my million and one questions so I have found a way to ask the main one(s) and leave the build-up questions off the table.    He has his daughter every weekend so we go out every other weekend it seems now.  To get in our “quality time” (he introduced those words….not me) he comes by or we go out for breakfast every Tuesday/Thursday morning.  We watch television shows together via phone when we are apart and, although I know that is extra lame, I do not admit that out loud….he does though.  I think it is cute because he seems to be in touch with his feminine side which most guys will never show or admit.  We love talking about the Bears games and other football stuff often even talking about the NBA which I royally hate.  He has even accepted the fact that I would marry Drew Brees if given the chance in a heartbeat (no offense Brittany….you two still look cute together).  Have yall seen those commercials with the Mrs. Brees jerseys?  Yeah, I want one so bad!  And a Gould Bears jersey or one that just says “Da Bears!”  He knows I do not cook often or have this passion for cooking.  His family is rooted in the south so that is hard to comprehend at time.  I cannot think of anything else he has outright said that irritates him about me other than my questions, my emotional PMS days, and my passionless cooking.  I cook…I just do not think it is a “fun” task.  Necessary but not fun.  Interesting but not life altering.  Cool but not the sh*t. 

None of my friends really like him.  My sisters do not really like him.  They like parts of him but they aren’t sold on whether we would be a good fit.  Their opinion does not matter, I know.  My last dating experience ended badly because of financial references I made and that he is still not over yet (build a bridge sweety).  This situation does not have those but I do notice some careless spending when it comes to his daughter which, like I told myself when it comes to someone’s kids, I do not plan to even touch with a 10 foot pole.  Yet.  But, I mentioned it so it’s there and I needed to at least write it down as an observation.  And, that is how it stands thus far.  Tonight we talked briefly before another attitude exchange.  He called, told me his daughter was in the shower so he had a few minutes to chat before they sat down to watch some dance show on Disney.  I was in the middle of reading Stat and understood that his night was winding down so I said, “cool, well will I talk to you tomorrow?”  to which he said “is that doubt in your voice?  Why would you say it like that as if you won’t speak to me tomorrow?” and my entire being is wanting to scream…..OMG!  It was a normal question because you are checking in with me like you always do but your evening is tied up with some daddy-daughter time so let me not interrupt and I will talk to you tomorrow, ok?  A rhetorical question is what they call those.  No doubt.  No answer needed.  No assumption.  Nothing.  Just a question to signal ending the call knowing that you are busy and I need to get through this last horrendous Stat lesson.  I was so confused I just hung up the phone not knowing what or how I messed that one up.  Tomorrow he will call or text with one of his inspirational voice mails or text messages about being blessed to see a brand new day and wishing me a prosperous day at work.  Never have I felt so out of sync with jacked up communication like men really are from Mars.  Why does it feel like a game?  A tug of war?  What am I doing wrong here?  I do not want to argue.  Thus far, being single without anyone checking in or taking me out on dates sounds more peaceful than what I currently have.  Thus far….

Here We Go Again…

I am not a horror film fan.  Mostly, I think they are lame, unrealistic, and just stupid.  The last good scary movie I saw was Case 39 and it scared the piss outta me only because I find it so closely matches real situations that it was no longer entertainment but something to actually, get this, fear.  Case 39 is about a Social Worker who is given a child neglect/abuse case in which the parents of a little girl are basically not loving parents to this kid.  Well, without giving away the movie, the kid is not really a kid anyways.  When I first watched this movie, I could not sleep for almost 2 days and when I did accidentally drift off, I jerked back awake and made sure every light in my apartment was on.  With me, this type of movie rings true because I believe in spirits whether demonic or holy.  I can’t recall when I started to believe in them but I know I always have because I always had an experience to tell about.

This past Monday, I had fallen asleep pretty late in my bedroom on my bed.  Then someone jabbed my leg hard and I jolted awake looking around the room for one of my kids but they were both asleep in their room.  Who the hell just hit me?!  It was an actual jab so hard that I still felt the force on my left thigh right above my left knee.   I placed my hand there and looked around my room.  No one was there but I still sat upright waiting for someone to appear and say, “it was me”.  That is how certain I was (and pissed) that I was not alone and was in a good deep sleep before I was rudely awaken.  The bad thing?  This kind of thing has happened so often I was not afraid of the sheer idea or situation.  The good thing?  Not sure if there is a good thing.  I closed my eyes and silently asked God to show me if whatever it was was sent by Him or the other party.  It took a couple of hours before I could go back to sleep but, since I was awaken at 3am, I had to get up in 3 hours anyways.

This past Tuesday, I was talking away minutes on my cell phone when I finally hung up the phone and nodded off to sleep at about 12:30a in the freaking morning.  No biggie….I work from home today so nowhere to go early in the morning.  At almost exactly 1:30a, someone yelled into my ear “wake up”.  This shout literally jolted me awake and I rubbed my eyes confused.  Did I just hear someone in my ear?  Who said that??  It was loud almost like a megaphone had been sitting on my ear.  Tired, frustrated, and confused…I called a minister from my previous church.  Not sure why I instinctively did that but she answered the phone as if it was 1:30pm instead of am.  I told her what had happened, what has happened in the past, we discussed a situation in this same apartment earlier this year, and how I know she might think I am making this up but I would rather be asleep than talking about this at this hour.  She listened, shared some of her stories, reassured me that had she been someone else she might have chalked me up as crazy, and then she offered some solutions.

Not a single friend from my inner circle has experienced anything similar to this which is why I rarely discuss it with them.  Some friends are of a different Christian denomination so, to them, any demonic or holy spirit is a figment of my imagination and an example of my emotions working on my psyche.  Some friends do not know if they believe in spirits at all although they have personal stories and never discount what someone else feels.  I just think I was chosen to experience certain things that I do not fully understand but am growing accustomed to (another bad thing).  This past Tuesday, I stayed awake until 6am cleaning the house and finally went to sleep for a couple of hours when my kids woke up.  If they were awake maybe “they” wouldn’t bother me so I could get some sleep.

My minister offered 3 explanations esp since I told her I had stories from the time I was a college student until now. 1) My lifestyle is sinful and offering a gateway for demonic spirits to set up shop, 2) these situations occur when I become closer to God or more on the path destined for me, or 3) I have been assigned a tormenting spirit for no other reason than to bug the hell outta me.  She wondered if it was just this apartment but I shook my head fiercely as if she was sitting in front of me – these things seem to follow me occasionally vanishing and appearing at inopportune times so it can’t be my address.  She wondered if I had a past in cult activity, Ouiji boards, or calling spirits from the other side even commenting that once you do that it is hard to break that connection.  Nope, I wouldn’t even know where to begin such activities.  She wondered if I was participating in any sinful behavior that was ushering the demonic spirits in.  Other than normal everyday sins which I have foolishly lost that guilty subconscious feeling over, nope, nothing out of the ordinary….still a regular ole’ sinner but I didn’t tell her that.  I kept quiet and let her finish talking. 

What do I think?  Based on past experiences, this only seems to happen when I am making a positive change(s) in my life.  During college while I shared a bed with my then husband, these spirits would visit me almost every night making noises while I tried to sleep and sat on my bed so I could feel their weight but not see them.  At this time, I was going in and out of periods of being a practicing Christian in talk and in my walk.  I can talk the talk like it’s never been talked before but when I began the walk – this is when I notice them.  When I stopped church, praying, reading the Bible, and began sexing, drinking, smoking, clubbin, and cussing like a sailor…..I never had a run in with them.  When I separated from my husband, began going to church full-time including Bible Study & Sunday school, started taking my kids, bought my 1st Bible, and began to pray for no reason other than to open the lines of communication….they came back.  I am not 100% sure in my theory but I am at least 90% sure in the somewhat pattern.  For the life of me, I cannot remember a time when I was living & drowning in sin that they showed up and showed out.  So what change occurred recently?

I found my scripture list.  I couldn’t find where I had placed them until this past week.  I read through each one remembering how I used to have them all memorized.  I even found John 17 - an entire chapter I once committed to memory for no reason other than it is a gorgeous eloquent piece of poetry to me.  I read it and my spirit lifted because the words are so magically.  Like running 10 miles on cruise control – rarely does anyone understand what you find special or think is awesome.  Anywho, that is when those 2 days occurred but, thank God, they stopped at Tuesday because my minister said a powerful prayer with me over the phone asking God to do nothing less than work a miracle while sending the Holy Angel Regime to camp out at my address while I prayed everyday to calm my fears and just trust Him.  The hard things, I remember with ease.  The simple things, I forget like I was never taught.