Suffocating My Sanity

This is gonna be a weird blog. Ok, weirder than usual for me.  I was checking out some things online related to that whole “what do I want to do now with my life” when I thought about some things from my past.  During our Womens Retreat, Mama Allen said God had shown her evil spirits before and she described them and what kind of spirit they were.  She even found a picture of one of her images in a textbook which confirmed she wasn’t crazy.  Growing up, my mom would always make me stay in my room when I was being bad.  I’d have to sit in the room with the door closed and the lights off.  Just sit there in the dark.  I remember this vividly but, for whatever reason, I can’t remember what the hell I’d done to deserve such a time-out.  First off, we didn’t do time-outs in my house….we did beat-downs.  Second, I was always a model child growing up to the point that I was everyone’s pet including my teacher.  Honestly, I think she probably didn’t want to see me due to some resentment towards my dad.  Anywho, during my times sitting alone in my room, I’d think about different things and just play as much as a little girl could as a child using the wonderful tool of imagination.  The weird thing is that I was always afraid of the dark so you’d think this would have cured it…..nope!  Well, I remember several times when I’d be sitting in my room alone with the lights out and I’d hear things….voices.  I heard my own voice when I’d say something aloud, I’d hear my sisters talking loudly from outside the door in the kitchen, and I might even neighborhood kids talking from outside but these voices were distinct and I knew with my whole being that they came from inside my room.  This is when I started to be afraid of the dark because, what was a moment to sit and think, became a moment of what-the-hell-was-that?!?!  I never told my mom.  I still don’t know why I was always in the room sitting.  But I do know I am crazy but not that freakin crazy.

Fast forward a few yrs to teen yrs, I still loved to sit along and spend time with me but, in addition to thinking, I’d write.  I’d write whatever I felt like writing and that is how I channeled my thoughts and started doing poems, essays, etc.  I have always shared a room until now.  As a child, it was with my sister, during college it was my roommate, then my boyfriend when we moved in together, followed by my husband.  I don’t know when it started but, occasionally during the night, I’d feel someone had sat on my side of the bed.  Not up near my head but down at the foot of the bed.  I have written about this before but I’m thinking about it again because as soon as I thought about what I wanted to do with my life these reminders came up and I wonder if it’s to scare me or to maybe I’m simply psycho.  So, during slumber, with someone else either in my bed with my or in the room with me….I’d feel the rear corner of my bed go down from the weight of something.  I’d rub my eyes and try to not let whatever it was know I was awake and I’d try to move a little bit check to make sure I was actually awake and, sure enough, I felt the weight still on my bed.  I never looked to see if I’d see something and I never moved the blanket to see if I’d see my mattress actually bent under from weight….I was too scared….but felt it I did.  During times when I felt someone/thing on the bed and heard sounds, I’d shake my ex-husband and wake him up which was like waking a dead person!  He’d wake up and I’d whisper “did you hear that??”  And he’d say “hear what?”  and I’d say “wait” and then he’d fall back asleep while waiting.  Totally pointless I tell ya!!  It seems that I was afraid of the bogey man as an adult.  Here I am an intelligent young woman at a well-known Big Ten University quite educated, of sound mind, and sociable to say I hear and feel things in the dark while I should be asleep.  There was one time when I swear this thing was shaking our bed as I sweat buckets trying not to die from the freight and my husband wakes up from it.  I didn’t wake him up.  I looked at him trying to see if he’d say something but he just rolled over and went back to sleep. Ugh!!

After my divorce, I had my moments of whoring (it was great! lol) and then I started going to church, Bible study, and reading my Bible in general.  I was like a different person almost that even I was amazed.  Well, I was offered this job I currently have which meant I’d have to move back home.  I was elated because it was in the field I’d been dying to break into and the salary was decent compared to the pennies I was making then.  While packing, I knew I’d start off attending the church back home I’d grew up in but eventually I’d have to find my own church which would be better suited for where I was right now in my “walk”.  As I was packing up my closet standing on a chair reaching for things off the top shelf in my closet, I heard someone said “you’re going to die by the end of the year” in my ear.  I turned around and stood there shaken because I heard it and it felt like someone had climbed on the chair with me to have said it so clear and right into my ear.  Not a whisper at all.  Actually spoke it into my ear.  A manly voice almost sinister.  I called out for my kids to see where they were and realized I was the only one upstairs.  Who had said that then?!  I went the rest of 2007 thinking I was going to die by New Yrs Eve but a lady from my church told me to not thinking about it and believe that I have a purpose which does not involve a 2007 expiration date.  So I did.  I’m still here.  But I heard that voice as clear as day.

As some of you know, I left my church home which is the 2nd time I’ve actually “left” although this time I like to say I’m on sabbatical….it sounds cooler.  Anywho, the first time I left I began to question my faith, what I grew up believing in, and who I believed in.  I began reading books about Christianity, Jesus, and other spirits.  It wasn’t until I grab the last book about some lady who knew the reason why we were here, that she sees and speaks to spirits, she communicates with the “other side”, and she has psychic abilities…it wasn’t until then that I experienced more things during the day.  At night, I’m caught off guard totally traumatized and most people are quick to dismiss it if it occurred at night.  During the day, what could even I say?!  I was hearing things?  Someone was playing tricks on me so much so that I spun away too slow to catch them jumping off my chair and running from my room?  That that bolt of bright light was a figment of my imagination?  That my bed wasn’t rattling…it’s the heater turning on and off although the vibrations under my hand have never happened again under normal circumstances?  That when I walked into my apartment, my spirit told me that my apartment was “different”.  That after I blessed my apartment as Mama Allen told me to, the next day walking into my apt from work, my spirit knowing it was back to normal was just all in my head?  That, from the time I was maybe 10, I’ve been playing a cute game of imagination?  That all of this has a good explanation somehow just not yet because I have yet to find it. 

My friend who I tell all this stuff to thinks I’m psycho.  She says I’m emotional.  True, I am quite emotional.  Emotional during all those times?  I’m not buying it.  If I’m not psycho and not nearly that emotional then what will explain it?  My fav gospel song is Smokey Norful ”I Understand”…there’s this line in the song where he says “in the time of trouble He promised He would always be there”.  Most of y’all probably think I’m crazy by now anyways but ponder this as the last huge question mark: I was in trouble.  I mean being interrogated beyond belief, I seriously felt like I was suffocating from the pressure I was up against, I was crying harder than I ever did during childbirth, and my soul was burning because I didn’t see any way to get myself out of this jam which was not at all my fault.  My head was hurting, I was sweating profusely from my armpits although I was wearing a sleeveless dress, and I seriously felt I couldn’t breathe.  Mama Allen was sitting next to me as my ally but I was surrounded by foes when I closed my eyes for a split second and said deep down inside “Lord help me!!” (in so many words)  for 3 seconds at the most and then Mama Allen spoke up and said something I was thinking.  In my head I had a thought but she spoke that thought.  How did she knw what I was thinking.  That was daybreak.  Someone had ripped a hole in the plastic over my mouth and I began to breathe again.  No one believes me and I doubt I’d probably believe myself if I hadn’t experienced it.  I’ll prb die knowing I need to figure this out and wrestling with the fact that some things of this world just don’t make sense.  Needed to get that out as I plan my next step.  Still think I’m crazy?  Maybe Mama Allen is crazy too since she talked about seeing an evil spirit on the side of someone’s neck but, for some reason, I believe her.  When my sis died (who I shared a room with), I heard her in our room a few times and I asked God to take her away because she was scaring me. I never heard her again although, growing up I asked God to send her back when I really missed her although I knew it was not what I truly meant so, instead, she visits me in my dreams sometimes.   I have countless stories and I’m sure I’ll have more later on.

Hate

It’s Tuesday evening and I’m sitting in a semi-junky apartment with half of my things in boxes neatly stack high against the far wall and everything else kinda spread around all over the place in a total mess.  I’m making progress…

This post isn’t about packing or the joys of throwing away stuff you’ve had stored in a closet for far too long or wondering why everyone loves Hefty when they make the thinnest crappest garbage bags ever.  This post is about my Facebook status: “…of all my sisters, I swear this one is a spawn of Satan. This chick has 666 written somewhere on her body”.  I typed it in that little box and sat back to look at it wondering if I should submit it or not.  I sat there for about 5 minutes thinking, reading it again, thinking, and reading it again.  Do I really feel that way?  Yes.  Was it a sudden status update not thought out carefully?  No.  I wish I could say I typed it in anger.  Well, I did but I can’t blame it on anger.  I actually feel that way.  I know it’s coming….people saying how wrong it is to put that up.  If I live life completely quiet and never write or say a single word, these fools might actually think my life and everyone in it are fantastic.  My words get attacked first.  I wondered if I’d eat my words later.  That is why I sat there and made sure this is exactly how I feel and I won’t regret it later.  I wish I ever regretted anything ever written about this one.  Maybe one day.

Afterwards, I called another sister to explain who I was referring to because she’s on FB often.  Then I cried.  I actually talked to God and I said, “let me just vent ok….”.  I aired everything.  My frustrations.  My irritation.  Every thing juvenile and emotional and immature I just vented.  Then I cried again because I wasn’t going to ask Him to fix her.  It is me.  It is always you.  Not the person who pissed you off, who hurt you, who betrayed you, who got under your skin, who makes you question not whether you love them but why you hate them so.  Take this hate out of my heart.  Please.  It was never her.  I spent most of my younger adolescent years trying to figure out why I hated her, why I wanted God to snatch her from this earth, and why I made every effort to not include her in any part of my life.  Then the times come when she appears or resurfaces and I realize I want her here, near, and in my life just to later regret it.  You gotta love your parents.  The Bible says so.  Is there a scripture about siblings?  I can’t remember a time I ever loved her.  Liked her?  Maybe.

Toxic people.  Everyone has them and everyone gets rid of them.  Eventually.  I think about other people during this time.  People who are fighting for custody of their kids because they haven’t been bad parents but because it makes it easier for the new husband to play daddy and leave the biological daddy outta the picture.  People without jobs living on craps trying to stay above water knowing they have little time before those little checks become no checks at all.  People who wake up day after day going to jobs they hate, are not respected at, and are often treated like servants than employees but if they don’t go they lose their jobs and that can’t happen to the family’s breadwinner.  People who depend on food pantries to eat and feed their families.  People who didn’t get word that the Great Recession ended because their recession has been ongoing from the time they can remember.  People who find themselves pregnant, without a support system, no job, barely a stable living situation, and everything else highly unstable that they are supposed to depend on.  My situation is not nearly as bad and although I should control my tongue, no one will ever cross paths with me and not know how I truly feel about them or our relationship.  Honesty is never the best policy and people care more about your words than the feelings behind them.  It’s ok to hate someone but don’t say or write that you hate them.  Oh, ok….now I get it!  Thanks

Let Him Tell It

**For Ms. Notebook (lol) who I think loves this story more than I…

Let me tell it, he has been with me for 6 months.  Let him tell it, I have been with him for 11 years.  The year was 2000. I was a nineteen year old college student who was at the end of her sophomore year.  Upstairs in my dorm room, I was putting the finishing touches on my hair and making sure my outfit was not wrinkled.  All white was the required attire.  White slacks.  White jacket.  White heels.  White pantyhose.  Pretty in white.  Rituals in a couple of hours.  I’d made it!  I’d crossed the burning sands into Zeta Land!!  It was officially official.  My phone rings, she’ll be here in about 10 minutes, meet them downstairs, bye.  I grab my keys, purse, and take the elevator down to the lobby to wait.  As I open the doors to walk into the lobby I see him.  He sees me.  Familiarity.  I smile.  He smiles.  We say hi and chit-chat.  Let me tell it, it was just an encounter.  Let him tell it, it was the beginning to a lovely story.  Our chit-chat was interrupted by her, then a blow of a horn, I suddenly remembered my plans, and we parted with a couple of good-byes.  Several encounters later but they never meant much to me.  I was in a relationship and so was he.  She stayed in my dorm on the same side a couple of floors below me.  He stayed on the other end of campus near the track which was fitting since he was Big Ten Champion in the high jump for 4 years straight.  Let me tell it, he was aight.  Let him tell it, he was a 6′ god.  Fast forward 11 years, I sit as he tells “our” story.  Most parts I vaguely remember while others I laughed at in disbelief that I had said or even done some of those things.  Back in those college years, he was not happy.  Neither was I.  We both stayed in our respective relationships and allowed them to play out.  However, during that time, I ran into him once in a while.  We had no classes together and no mutual friends other than the track girls I’d met during my 2 failed attempts to make the team.  We didn’t even run in the same circles.  But, without fail, we ran into each other every time I came back for Homecoming.  The last time was about a couple of years ago.  He was there with his former roommate/best friend.  I was with my sorors.  Let me tell it, we accidently bumped into each other in the crowd.  Let him tell it, it was divine intervention that allowed him to walk in the exact direction in which I was walking towards him.  We chit chatted.  Asked how life was going.  Laughed.  And realized he was leaving that next morning while I was leaving the following night.  We exchanged numbers.  Said our good-byes, again.

The text messages lasted for 2-3 months but life again took us on our own separate journeys until a few months ago.  Randomly, he called me out of the blue but I don’t answer numbers I don’t recognize so he left me a message.  I listened to it replaying it several times and saying the name he left out loud over and over again waiting for it to jog some memory.  Finally, the light bulb went off!  Oh, wow…it’s been like forever since we’ve talked.  My friend from around the way.  Can’t believe he still has my phone number although I have had the same number for the last 8 years almost.  I call him back.  I give a cheery hi sincerely happy to hear from him.

“How are you doing?  What’s been going on?  I can’t believe you still have my number after all this time!”

“Hey, I’ve been good, can’t complain but I actually didn’t have your number.  I had to find my 2 old cell phones, charge them up, and then search in my contacts for your number”.

(Thinking) ”Who does that?!”  (Actually said out loud) ”You must do that often (lol).”

“No, I only did it to get your number.”

Silence.

“So, what do you want?  You called me for a reason, I assume.”

“Yes, I did.  My kids are on Spring Break soon so I wanna come see you.  I know it’s been awhile since you’ve seen me and we only texted back and forth at best but I would love to see you if you are free.”

“Your kids?”

“I’m a teacher.  I don’t have any kids of my own but I’ll be on vacation for a week so I was wondering if I could drive up to see you.”

“Um, and then what?”

“Well, I’d like to take you out on a date if that’s ok with you.  I know this is out of the blue but I thought about you and realized we never went out on a date so it’s like perfect timing.”

“Actually, it’s not.  I actually have kids and they aren’t on Spring Break for another few weeks.”

“Oh ok, well if I can just see you for a few hours even that will be great.”

(Thinking) “For who?”  (Actually said out loud) “Oh, well I have to see”.

The minutes were spent recapping what we’d been doing since college.  He even reminded me of encounters we’d had that I’d completely forgot about.  During those earlier years, he had expressed his interest in me while with his girlfriend.  Since my boyfriend had recently cheated I instantly dropped him into the box of “Dogs”.  Men can’t be faithful and they are pathetic!  He says I emailed him asking if we could meet.  We met at an underground library on campus one evening.  Let me tell it, it was a way to grill him about his integrity.  Let him tell it, it was a positive sign of my character because most other women he’d “propositioned” offered their place or his.  We met, sat in a back corner, and talked.  He says I asked him question after question about why he wanted to cheat on his girlfriend, why he wanted to cheat with me, what gave him the idea that I would accept, and whether he cared even a little bit about her feelings if she ever found out.  Let me tell it, he was a hot mess of scum sitting in front of me.  Let him tell it, I was a woman who had much self-respect and even his current girlfriend would have been pleased if she’d been there to listen in.  Nothing ever came to be from that.  But, later, it almost did….

He’d cheated, again.  Devastated and emotional, we had another encounter.  This time at his apartment.  I came over knowing “it” may happen.  I didn’t care anymore.  What is faithful?  Loyalty?  Commitment?  Heartbreak?  I know what the latter is and was feeling it.  He opened the door.  I walked in.  I see 2 or 3 guys sitting in the living room one of which I recognized from TV.  Our star football player.  This must be the ultimate bachelor pad.  At least I was in the right place.  We go upstairs quickly because, after all, it was obvious I was not his girlfriend.  He sat on his bed.  I sat across at his desk.  We chit-chat.  I think we kissed eventually.  I’m not completely sure.  I excuse myself to go to the bathroom.  Door closed, I begin to talk to myself.

“You can do this.  It’s just sex.  Everyone does it without thought.  Relax.  It’ll take your mind off him.  You can get even.  Do your own dirt.  It probably won’t hurt as much anymore.  Just do it.  Isn’t that Nike? I love Nike but I’m sure their slogan is not related to sex.”

He says while I was in the bathroom, he realized what was about to happen.  He thought about how sweet of a girl I was.  How I never gave in to his previous advances even remaining friends with him without judgment.  He couldn’t do it.  As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t do it because he’d mess up any real chance he’d ever have with me.  If ever.  He respects me too much.  He thought about that day in the lobby of my dorm when he saw me standing there in all white looking cute as a button (his words….not mine).  He couldn’t go through with it.  I came out of the bathroom ready.  I’d psyched myself up for this and I was going to do it, nervously.  I walked towards him still sitting on the bed and he said:

“Hey, you gotta go.  I have this meeting I forgot about so…”

“What?!”

“I have a meeting to get to.  We meet with the coaches to go over our schedule for the upcoming week but I’d forgot about it.”

“You said it was ok to come over and now you’re telling me you have a meeting??”

“I know and I’m sorry.”

He stands up, walks towards the door, opens it, and waits for me to walk through while I’m thinking “what the hell is happening?!”  We walk downstairs and I walk through the front door back to my dorm in a fog of confusion.  That was the last time we chit chatted while in college.

His Spring Break, our date didn’t happen.  He’s waited all this time…he can wait some more.  My Spring Break, it did happen.  Amazingly enough, we talked like it hadn’t been years.  We laughed.  We ate.  We talked some more.  Let me tell it, it was two friends having a fantastic time after so many years and memories.  Let him tell it, it was his chance to get what he always wanted but couldn’t have 11 years ago.  During this time, he came clean about the “meeting”.  There was never a meeting, he explained.  If he had gone through with it, in my mind, he thought I would look at him like every other trifflin man and remember that years later never ever giving him a fair chance because he had tainted his own reputation.  Would I have entertained him now?  Would I think he was a good guy?  Or would I remember him cheating on his girlfriend at the time when my boyfriend had cheated on me?  My diverted look and silence was answer enough.  Fast forward to now, he says he loves me.  I laugh.  He fumes.  Why so sensitive?  Why so pessimistic?

“You love me? (lol)”

“Yes, let me explain.  I’ve loved you since I first laid eyes on you in that all white.  I thought you were so cute.  Even my girlfriend noticed it because I had to explain the awkwardness in the air when she walked up and saw us talking.  I’ve thought about you ever since then but you were with someone and so was I.  This is my chance.  I think it’s divine intervention.”

“Divine intervention?”

“Yes, look up the definition.”

“I think I know the definition, thank you.”

“I know what I want.  I see a great woman in you and I’m trying not to let you get away.”

“Interesting”.

“So, do you hate or love me?”

“I definitely don’t hate you.  I like you.  But, I don’t love you”.

“You will once you trust me”.

(Thinking) “Cocky ass”.  (Actually said out loud) “Ok”.

And that is where we are right now.  Let me tell it, he has been with me for about 6 months now.  Let him tell it, I have been with him for 11 years now and this time he won’t let me go.

Maybe

My last post was January 28th, 2011.  I kinda hoped people would think I had abandoned instead of simply neglected this blog.  There were days I had things to write about, things I wanted to vent about, or even topics I wanted to discuss with myself but I found some of those were better left inside my head and heart.  Recently, some idiot subscribed to my blog.  I got the email, read it twice, and wondered who would do such a thing?!  Did they not notice the date of my last entry?  Foolish.

Since January, some things have changed but most have remained the same.  Current events, politics, religion, relationships, love, parenting, running, writing, career, education, family, finances, etc matter here and there but never enough to justify writing a post about them.  One day I’m up and another day I’m down.  One day I’m ecstatic and the next I wanna run from it all.  I used to want to run from it all often.  Now, I can honestly say I don’t mind sticking around much longer.  Things are not as bad when you purge and secure your environment.  Apologies.  I have none.  Bitch.  That I can be.  Happy.  Surprisingly, yes.

I need therapy.  I need to write.  I need to run.  Mostly, I need therapy.  I wanna lay down on someone’s couch and talk and express and vent and cuss and cry and laugh and yell and just tell all about my life thus far.  My experiences have been fantastically normal.  Sometimes I think I should write a book but my experiences haven’t been any different from anyone else’s.  Sometimes I think I should write a song (but not sing it – torture) but it will be similar to some other song someone else has written.  Which is why I have not written because my experience will match someone else’s and it’s lame.  I don’t like people in my head, knowing my thoughts, my feelings, or what I’m doing.  Usually because it don’t seem to agree with someone else so I don’t like the criticism.  You gotta be thick-skinned to do most things publicly.

It’s Sunday.  Tomorrow is Monday.  After that it’s Tuesday.  I’ll run 3-5 miles.  Work.  Read.  Watch a movie.  Listen to music.  And every now and then update my Facebook or Twitter status.  That is my life.  I miss a lot of things and a lot of people but then I’m reminded that they or it were not what I had originally thought so I go back to being.  But, back to the therapy part, there is one niche market where no therapy exists.  That is the market I belong to.  That is what I find interesting.  Maybe I have a book in me.  If only I can become anonymous that would be great.  I don’t care about comments, readers, followings, or popularity.  If I could pen a book anonymously that would be fantastic and I would tell no one I wrote it because I’m too thin-skinned to handle the criticism, judgements, or even ridicule.  So, why write it?  Because I have something to say.  Cowardly?  Yes.  Still have not been to church in months.  Fear.  God has not given us the spirit of fear.  Skepticism.  Atheist.  My friend laughed when she reminisced on how she thought I had lost my faith.  Defiant.

Personal finances are still….going.  My goal month is September 1st, 2011.  I’ll have $16k in my Shit Happens account.  Then I’ll start on my student loans and my 40 Acres account.  I need to add my And A Mule account onto that but I’m good for now without a car.  My Monopoly account is steady with play money for stuff I want but don’t necessarily need.  It will have taken me 1.5 years to fully fund my Shit Happens account but I still feel like it’s not enough.  Maybe I should double it to be on the safe side.  Reduce my taxable income.  Increase my 401k contribution.  I need to do something.  Taxes are something I do not like paying although I get a refund every single year.  I still live humbly so I can have a safety net.  I enjoy life but I care more about not being at the mercy of my employers, job, or income.  Really need to put a dent into my student loan balance.  It’s ridiculous.  By January 1st, 2013 (if I’m alive by then), I should have $14k in my 40 Acres account.  I’ve never bought a house before but I was told how much I might need so that is how I have structured my budget for the next 2 years out.  Sounds geeky, I know but I like being disciplined and seeing the fruits of my labor.  The amazing thing is how I see “stuff” now.  Nothing is valuable other than the intangibles.  Clothes, shoes, purses, things, furniture, etc all have a price.  Since saving I realize that I was paying a high price to have most of them when they never really satisfied me.  The other good thing: I love when people think I’m struggling.  It’s amazing what you can get for free or cheap when people think you are barely making ends meet.  Idiots.  But, it’s not about the money.  If I die before I anticipate, my kids will be on a great financial path.  You can’t take the money with you, I splurge on things that I feel are important to me, pull back in other areas I couldn’t care less about, and have created a nice balance.  For the first time in my family in generations, I want to be able to leave my kids something other than my outstanding debt and high funeral costs.  I lived my life.  Take this money, invest it, spend a little, and live your life too but don’t forget God cause He will royally throw a wrench in any plans you thought you had.

Maybe I’ll write something else this week.  Maybe I’ll wait until September.  Maybe stupid people will stop subscribing to neglected blogs.  Maybe.

Taxes & Financial Discipline

This is the season for stupid questions.  My ex-husband pays child support bi-monthly.  Per our legally signed divorce agreement, he shall claim one of our two children when he is current on his child support payments for that tax year.  He has never been current on anything.  Late 2009, he voluntarily quit a job to move elsewhere with hopes that the Great Recession was a myth.  This unemployment flowed into 2010 but he ended up with a job.  I started getting child support payments again which was a definite plus to my bottom line but that job was short-lived.  Weeks turned into month before I received another payment.  It was not until August 2010 that the payments became regular again.  I had to contact my attorney to have the withholding agreement forwarded to the correct HR dept so everything could be set-up….again.  Never once during his unemployment did he send any money my way, try to have the kids when they were out of school so I wouldn’t have a childcare bill, or anything that would have helped.  Did that stop him from asking me to claim one of the kids on his 2010 tax returns?  Of course not.  Audacious?  Absolutely.  Surprising?  Absolutely not.  He didn’t really ask though.  He said, “which kid are you claiming on your taxes this year?”  I immediately thought, “I didn’t know it was Stupid Question Day! Yayy, let’s play.  Both!”  I referenced the divorce papers even offering to call my attorney and ask her to FedEx another copy to him but he said he has read the papers and know what the agreement is but he also know I can go over the agreement if I choose to.  You’re correct.  I can but why would I ever decide to do that??  I love Stupid Question Day it’s funny.

So, I filed my own taxes again this year.  I think this is my 3rd year filing on my own and I must say I am starting to know forms by name and understand what they mean/do.  My return this year was accepted and will be about $1k more than it was last year.  I have no plans other than to put 90% of it into my Emergency Fund which will finally bring the balance to $10k by March 2011.  Yayyy!  I am inching closer and closer to my goal which is awesome so I can start pursuing financial goal #2: either saving for a house and/or consistently maxing out my Roth IRA contribution.  No desire for a car (although my kids think we desperately need one), new purse/tote, big stupid TV (although everyone keep begging me to upgrade my ancient big booty one), or to buy stupid stuff.  What I probably will do is grocery shop like I’m at the mall.  I follow a set grocery budget every month and I have tried to plan meals out, go to the store with a list, and find sales but for once I just wanna throw some stuff I want and need in the cart with little regard to price.  For now, that is my idea of a splurge.  Homeowner: years in the future since I have no intentions on leaving Chicago any time soon and I have no intentions on buying a house in Chicago.  I am still working on improving my horrible credit score too so the additional time saving up about 20% for a down payment would be helpful on both fronts.  Retirement: I hope to live long enough to see retirement and I plan to have money to sustain my lifestyle at that time.  I do not have any 529 or other college savings for my kids because, imo, planning my own retirement is more important since there are a wealth of options available to pay for college educations.  Retirement?  Social Security isn’t even a safety net and I don’t want to burden my kids in my old age with financial help so the more I save the less they have to worry about mom.  However, if I never live to see my own retirement, at least they will have thousands of dollars at their disposal to use when they need it.  That reminds me, I need to figure out how to add stipulations to things like this in writing.

The AFP officially granted me permission to sit for the CTP exam!  I knew I had to buy the textbook, study, and take the exam but I totally forgot about certain criteria I had to meet to be admitted to take the exam.  I’m on chapter 2 of 17, using my flashcards, taking 3-4 hours to study kid-free on Thursday evenings, and lugging this heavy textbook with me during the week to read on the train to and from work.  Chapter 2 is about regulations and regulatory agencies.  To say this part is boring is an understatement.  I would much rather the test consisted of computations than concepts and terms but I didn’t write the test.  But, given the Great Recession, this is the important stuff.  How, why, and when all these regulations came about from the beginning of the banking/financial system of this great country.

I’m blessed.  I see other situations people are in, hear their stories, and think of how I used to be there and pray I never find myself there again.  Turning anything into a habit takes great discipline.  If I didn’t have at least a goal or desired to achieve something outside of what I was told I should have, then I wouldn’t be here.  This morning, I texted a friend about how great God has been to me.  “Absolutely phenomenal” was the exact phrase I used.  In a consumer world, few understand the concept of saving, investing, and making smart financial decisions.  It’s not that I expect to live forever to enjoy any of the sacrifices I have made to get where I am.  I saw my parents and their parents struggle.  I see friends struggle.  I see family struggle.  I know what it’s like to want for nothing even when my bank account is overdrawn.  I know how it feels to be poor with thousands of dollars at my disposal.  It’s not about money and never will be.  Freedom is all I desire for myself now and for my kids later.  To never feel pressured or a slave to something or someone just to uphold a ridiculous lifestyle or definition of what “rich” truly is.  I’m babbling but I’m happy.  OAN, did I mention I got tickets to the Janet Jackson concert in March?  Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty!!  Hasta luego

Life After 4 Miles

Today, I went running outside for the first time in months.  Usually, I’m running to catch the train on my way to work but today I ran for no reason other than to run.  I needed to go to the bank so I ran 2 miles there and then 2 miles back.  It wasn’t as cold as it has been here so the 30 degree weather felt awesome.  My foot slid a little each time I hit some snow or ice but it was no big deal.  I made it to the bank and smiled at the two handsome sexy Boricuas behind the counter.  Eye candy!  One is married.  Not sure about the other.  I just smile and try not to stare too hard.  Then one smiled at me and I think I physically melted.  I know it goes against nature, physics, chemistry, probably even biology but his smile made me melt and I wanted to find his wife and tell her how much I hate her (lol).  Lucky chick!  I made it home with about 15 minutes to spare before it was time to pick up Thing 2 from pre-school so I stretched.  My legs were slightly fatigued since I haven’t used them in this way in quite some time but I felt good overall.  No music.  Just ran. 

When I was getting dressed, I felt excited.  I literally ran through the events of the last day or so and knew I needed to run to clear my mind.  Kind of purge my brain of all useless crap that’s sitting in there.  A massive delete.  Some people apologize for deleting things, folks, actions from their lives.  Either I’m cold-hearted or I truly believe people know they were never supposed to be a permanent part of my existence so why should I apologize?  I laced up my shoes and looked in the mirror at myself.  I had a kid, got married, had another kid, got divorced…..now I’m doing things I want to do.  I smiled, laughed, jumped around, and did a horrible little dance in my bedroom.  This is what I do every now and then.  I get excited about my life as it currently stands and thank God I have time to actually get to the part of doing what I want to do.  Seriously, how horrible would life be if all I ever did was to please others?  I’d be uber depressed constantly.

I don’t talk to lots of my friends I went to college with in Indiana.  The only reason I can give is that life has taken us on our own individual journeys.  They are getting married, having kids, going to pursue advanced degrees, etc.  Apart from the advanced degree (of which I doubt I want to finish but that’s another story), we have nothing in common.  I don’t want to talk about what the kids are doing, what exciting things they said, or even their extracurricular activities.  I don’t wanna talk about entrance exams, salaries, bonuses, and lay-offs.  I don’t wanna talk about spouses, the latest argument, paying the mortgage, and the in-laws.  Remember when we used to talk about things concerning us?  Remember who we were before the kids, marriage, degrees, etc?  Remember when we used to identify with something but, over time, we gained things we had to identify with?  I’m pass the kids, marriage, degrees, even sorority (in some sense) phase or chapters of life.  Now, when one calls and wants to talk about trying to get into law school, the latest sorority event, what the kid did in school, what amazingly cute something was made, and how the spouse is doing that annoying thing he always does…..I zone out temporarily. 

I’d love to live a simple life complete with my kids, running, computing, great food, sunsets, outdoors, and fun however we decide to define that.  What I really want out of life does not involve getting married again because all the dates I’ve been on lately consist of hotmessness (yes, that’s a word in some world).  OAN, I did end up getting the LG Optimus phone which I think falls under the Android smartphone category.  I honestly do not know what I did before it!  My fav apps thus far are Pandora and Bible verses.  I listen to music so often I have to literally carry my charger with me.  I sometimes sit late at night and just browse through Bible verses sometimes reading my favorite ones and I am convinced John 17 is poetic…it makes me cry every time!  And, I can send verses to people via email or text and I can post to FB or Twitter.   I don’t do the latter because it irritates me when other people do that.  I don’t know why but it does.  Weird.

Study Time

Tuesday evening, I walked out my front door to find a UPS notice taped to the door.  Yayy!  My book was here but then I saw the “2nd attempt” box checked and thought, “bastards!”  I can’t stand UPS!!  What happened to my 1st notice??  Tomorrow is their 3rd and final attempt to deliver so if I was not home (which would be the case) I’d have to go to the warehouse to pick it up or pay to change either the delivery date or mailing address.  It would be $6 to make either change over the phone or I can make the change online for a mere $4.  Wow, I save 2 whole dollars to get something I already paid for along with the shipping.  I’m being penalized for not being home when it used to be free to choose a day in the near future when I would be home so they can save on gas and I can get my package.  Anywho, I signed the back of the UPS slip and prayed my book was sitting on the porch (in the cold and snow) when I returned home from work that day.  It was

Above is my new Treasury Management textbook.  700+ pages of concepts, theories, equations, and stuff that might put any person to sleep in record time.  I was excited to get the book because I’m excited to start studying since I’m excited to finally tackle this exam after almost 3.5 years on the job.  Well, it’ll be 4 years if I make it til July of this year.  The exam is in July, ironically enough, so I pray a passing score makes my anniversary that much sweeter.  There are 17 chapters of goodness in the book and I have prepared to study a chapter per week starting yesterday.  Last semester, my sitter watched my kids for roughly 5 hours while I went to class.  This semester, although I am not enrolled in any classes, I will resume that schedule so I can devote those roughly 4 hours (no commute time) to studying without distractions.  Extra money out of my pocket but I like to think of it as an investment.  My 17 week study schedule takes me to May 19th (I think) which gives me thorough time to go back over, master, and regurgitate the information as needed.  I know how I learn best….that is through repetition and understanding the big picture.  It’s not enough to know an equation to calculate IRR if you have no idea how to apply it to a real situation.  My memory is still good when I direct it wisely so I should do fine but I won’t know how well I’m doing until months from now.

Registration deadline is March 25th.  The exam expense my company promised to pay.  The association membership (required) and one-time registration fee I pay.  I have flashcards in a range of colors from plain boring ol’ white, to fuchsia, lavender, lime green, and sky blue.  These are the flashcards my supervisor made herself and used to pass this same exam.  My manager also took and passed this exam using similarly colored index/flash cards.  I just started reading chapter 1 on the train this morning which goes over what Treasury is, which functions fall under Treasury, the corporate structure, and then other basic stuff.  8-10 questions out of 170 total on the exam will come from this chapter.  I no longer carry a purse to and from work.  Now, I carry an actual backpack to hold my textbook, flash cards, pens, sharpie, calculator, and exam/chapter breakdown.  Each chapter has a miniature quiz following it so I will take that next week and go back over material based on the results.  I did find one other chick in the Chicago area who is supposed to be taking the same exam in the same testing window as I.  She works for Bank of America as a Treasury something.   She replied to my email about forming a study group and I actually called her earlier today and left a voicemail message.  Who am I kidding?! 

I hate groups when it comes to things like this.  I run alone and do well alone.  I have always preferred to study alone and have done well alone.  I do most things alone because I don’t want to have to depend on anyone else, help up a slack, or hold anyone up if I’m falling behind.  Maybe we can still get together periodically to quiz each other, etc.  We shall see.  I can take the test only once within a testing window and that window is June/July 2011.  I do not plan to tell folks at work when or if I register for the exam just in case I fail and gotta hear those “oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.  You’ll do better next time”….save it!  The main thing I’m worried about is whether I am qualified to take the exam.  The criterion consists of 1-3 years of Treasury work experience and/or Graduate degree in a certain field and/or years of teaching experience.  I should qualify for the work experience one in a Corporate Finance environment but we shall see.  My social life will slowly but surely take a hiatus.  Not sure why I wrote all this because no one cares but me about this exam but if I write it publicly then I have to make the committment – pass or fail.  I have to be accountable so I gotta make sure I take my efforts seriously.  I always gotta approach every thing like there’s a gold Olympic medal at stake.  If not, then what drives me??

Negative Net Worth

I follow many personal finance blogs and it seems that frugal or simply cheap living has become the new trend mostly due to the recession. I was conscious of my need to get my finances in order but it was kicked into high gear when all around me my friends and their friends were losing their jobs.  I felt fear of the what-if and panic that I had no savings and just several hundred bucks in my retirement account one of which I liquidated to make ends meet so I was definitely in dire straits (imo).  All intentions quickly turned into executed steps toward my goal….financial freedom. Financial freedom is defined (imo) as freedom to live the life you want without kissing the ass of dependence on a job, company, or executive board.  Last year, January 2010, I put more than half my tax refund into my long-open-but-often-empty savings account.  For a single parent of any number of kids, that refund can be a couple thousands of dollars.  Since then, I have contributed monthly towards my goal of having 6 months of living expenses saved.  Currently, I am about $5k short but well on my way since a year ago. 

I started the savings before calculating what my actual monthly living expenses are.   Just two weeks ago, I sat down and created an Excel worksheet.  On the first tab was my 2011 Budget.  After taking a closer look at it I think I should rename it my 2011 Statement of Cash Flows because there is not a nan category budgeted…..just a nice way of tracking a dollar.  I started with my gross salary less estimated percentage of taxes deducted (about 25%) less my pre-tax retirement contribution (6%) which results in my net take-home income.  I think I was more excited creating this spreadsheet than I am writing about it here.  Anywho,  I went line by line deducting every fixed expense I have such as rent, insurance, daycare, and phone bill.  I didn’t add anything trivial like shopping or entertainment so I really wondered if I can call it a “budget” but more like an accurate look at what I should have leftover to “play” with.  If it wasn’t too personal I’d share it here but know it is cute and awesome with tabs!  The next tab covers my per paycheck breakdown so I’ll know which bills need payment asap and which aren’t due til the end of the two week cycle down to the amount deposited into my savings account and 2nd “play money” checking account.  Most of my bills are timed or date-based since most are set for automatic debits.  This is how I schedule payments and keep track of how much this account need to cover my expenses this week and how much it will need next week to cover expenses coming out that week.  As anal and freakish as it may seem, I have each dollar accounted for and stalked.  On the final tab, I have my current net worth.

I should say that my net worth calculation does not include charged-off debts seen on my credit report.  The option is before me to take the ethical road and pay off old debts but since the creditors refuse to remove the debt from my record once paid, imo there is no point paying any of it.  My credit score will continue to suck for another 2-3 years but it’s well worth it esp if I don’t incur any new debt and since I have no incurred any new debt my score has increased about 50 points 2010 alone.  Not sure if that’s good or poor but I’m happy for any gain however small it may be.  Liabilities and assets listed, my current net worth is approx ($30k) with the parentheses representing a negative value.  Should I be ashamed esp since that published article stated that most African-Americans have a net worth of $1?  Of course not.  I’ve read story after personal story of people (ethnicity aside) who are in worst situations than I.  This is not a competition….it’s my own story of how I decided to get serious about my company and be the real CFO instead of throwing the title around because it sounds cute.  Trust me, I see and know people who do that often!  Then they create their own investment business and want to solicit clients from their circle of friends.  Dude, you FB about ridiculously expensive shit you just bought for no other reason than to have it (that was the true-to-life reason stated) so why or how good of a CFO are you for your own personal company?  And, how can I trust you will manage my money properly when you throw your’s away freely? 

Right now, my “company” has 4 current debts in repayment with an expected payoff date of February and April 2011 for two of them.  The only two I will have leftover will take years to payoff; one being student loans.  Also, right now, my income is too dependent on Child Support which is bad.  Child Support is legally court-ordered but I have experienced times when my ex lost his job (one time voluntarily) and I struggled to pay my bills as a result.   I never want someone else’s actions or inactions to dictate what course my life shall take….at least not on a financial scale.  This dependence on someone else providing for me is the opposite of financial freedom so my goal by this fall (kids leave for summer so no child support) is to save those payments or use them for fun extra curriculum activities for the kids.  By the Fall, I will be in repayment for my student loans so, as you can see, I have a schedule of longterm debts too.  At the end of 2011, I should finish the year closer to ($20k) for my net worth, $12k in my savings account, and more money to free up for more important ventures.  Not trying to get rich or play catch-up…just trying to make my own safety net instead of expecting the government to hold me up with public service programs or blame everyone but myself for my own personal financial failure because no one promised me prosperity or wealth just because I’m college educated.  And, if I ever hope to manage any financial function of a major corporation, I better be the best CFO of my own household first. Hell, I might present financial documents to show my positive changes in a future interview   If I can just figure out what this spreadsheet should really be called.

Memories

Memories.  A record of each encounter, moment, and interaction lived for better or for worse often replaying themselves at the most inopportune times holding the poor soul hostage against their will while they relive and remember what they would rather not but it’s uncontrollable and unavoidable so what escape is there other than death or the sweet blessing of Alzheimer’s which is the only match for this impromptu showcase of a life lived, people met, words said, and actions executed but oh what one would give to exercise some control over this database of endless at times joyful while often hurtful pictorials of moments but this is the sentence we currently endure.  If I could I would delete, purge, eliminate, erase, expunge, and any other synonymous action to rid myself of the mental hell the mind subjects persons to long after these moments have physically gone because, as always holds true, the bad shadows the good leaving you regretting having lived life only to be reminded of it for the rest of your life so what good can possibly come when the odds are that life will produce more hurt than harmony and more grief than good so, if ever asked which I pray I am, I’d choose to gamble the good away fearful that the bad might leave me with a bullet through my head from my own hands in a sad and shameful attempt to stop the recapping of times I barely survived in the flesh much less hope to bear in the mind.  Memories. 

**Frustration at its worst by_Yazzmin (photo)

30 going on 17

Happy New Year? Someone asked me about my blog.  Oh, yeah…that thing.  Well, see what had happened was I got busy with life, going out, meeting people organically, studying, working, playing mommy, and just spending time on the internet when absolutely necessary that I didn’t have anything worthwhile to write about, discuss, or vent about.  Scratch that.  I always have things to vent about but I asked myself if writing it here or anywhere would totally dismiss or erase it as if it never happened?  Of course the answer is “no” so I didn’t.  I had nothing to share with whomever decided to stop by and read what I had to say.  I would do a recap of what’s been going on in my life but I don’t feel like it.  For some reason, I am starting to enjoy “privacy”.  Funny that I of all people would say that.  But, it’s still amazing when someone is going through something I did way back when and find my experience refreshing.  It’s like a reset button or a reminder that sometimes being open ain’t all that bad.  Ya know? 

This post is about running.  2011 was supposed to be focused on my half marathon time and placing in my ‘hood 5K race in October.  The trouble is one was more dear to my heart and squeezed more passion than the other so I’ve revamped my running plans.  For 2011 I will attempt to channel the 17 year old me.  At 17, I had just graduated from high school and was running a 7 min mile pace easily.  Sometimes I finished a little slower but I was there.  I want to place in the Lawndale 5K.  I don’t want to win my age group, get a PR, or even just win another medal – I want to place overall!  It’s personal this year.  I have 9 months to get my butt in shape to run (and hold) a sub 7 minute mile pace.  Sub 7 minutes?  Yeah, that is a challenge and a half but if I shoot for 7 mins then the rest comes down to pure hunger.  How bad do I want it?  Drive, determination, and discipline can trump any training program.  Right now, I can run (and hold) approx a 7.30 min pace.  Last year, my time for this 3.1 mile race was officially 23:23 minutes….a minute faster than last year.  This year, I want to run it in as close to 20 minutes as I can which is definitely sub 7 min pace.  More like 6:30/min pace.  The winner last year finished in a little over 20 minutes.  One chick, the same age as I, cut 3 minutes off her time from 2008 to 2009.  B*tch!  lol Basically, I don’t stand a chance unless I join the 20 minute 5K group and obviously age ain’t nothing but a number.

I have no clue how to drop a minute let alone 2+ off my time.  Workouts?  The only ones I can think of are the ones we used to do back in high school during Cross Country season.  I know intervals, repeats, and some distance running along with hills, hills, and more hills.  I think I’d prefer hills and repeats more than anything.  Hills burn muscles like acid but it feels so wonderful when they get stronger and can run longer and faster without an ounce of additional effort.  Since I live in Chicago where winter lasts until June, I am basically chained to a treadmill if the snow/ice/winds are too bad out.  No workouts for now but I did do a mini-interval on the treadmill Tuesday.  It was my first day back running in 2 months so I was kinda excited to dust the rust off.  Today, I didn’t go running cause I have an appointment to get to this afternoon but I did do my 22 minutes of Abs – Windsor Pilates.  Core muscles are important when it comes to running.  Even more so when it comes to speed and shorter races where efficiency is vital.  My plan is to focus on my core muscles for the next 3 months.  Today?  I had to do 2 modified positions towards the end of the DVD.  Seriously, who can hold these positions perfectly straight for that long?  Only the chicks on the DVD!  I was grunting, dang near fell over, and actually couldn’t roll up on one of the ab contraction moves.  I have decent ab muscle strength but nothing like I want or think I need.  I plan to put the Ab, Back, and Burn Pilate DVDs in heavy rotation from now until April 1st then I will see where I am.  Hopefully, I have made some progress. 

In addition to that, I am gathering treadmill workouts so I can make my indoor runs beneficial in addition to getting outside when I can (weather permitting) because long runs on a treadmill are downright torturous.  Trust me, it is.  Until next time.